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“Come to beat me?”
He snorts. “Come to talk to you.”
I nod, then notice someone is missing. “Wait. Where’s Nemo?”
“Siryn is looking after him. She seems to like babies.”
I owe him an explanation of that too, I guess. “She wanted to have her own, but she couldn’t have any, because she’d rather die than touch a dick. Besides, pirates don’t usually have families. The lifestyle isn’t very family friendly. I knew she’d like him. I thought maybe, if I wasn’t… If I’m not…”
I feel my lower lip quivering and try to will it to stop.
I look into Kail’s face, and I remember Siryn’s words, and I just crumble back into that void of self-pity and despair.
“Maybe I should go away,” I sniff. “Somewhere I won’t hurt anybody anymore. Somewhere my lies can’t ruin you and Nemo and everyone else.”
“First,” he growls. “You are not going anywhere. Second, you are going to face your shortcomings, because that is the only way to overcome them.”
“What are my shortcomings? They’re the same as my gifts. What makes me good is the same thing that makes me bad. I don’t want to give that all up just to be acceptable. If Siryn doesn’t trust me, fine. I don’t care.”
“It seems as though you care very much.”
“I care because it’s making it hard for you to be here.”
“This would not have been an easy journey no matter what. We have arrived at a port of outlaws, deep beyond the space either one of us might call home, and put ourselves at the mercy of a ruthless captain.”
“She likes you,” I say. “She loves Nemo. I’m the problem. She doesn’t like me, and that is going to make the entire situation almost impossible. She wants you to beat me, but that won’t be the end of it.”
“What did you do to her, exactly?”
I lean back against the ship. “I was supposed to befriend her and lure her into a Colonial trap. But I tipped her off before they could catch her, and instead of her and her men being hanged, there was a small massacre of Colonial troops. I caught some flak for it from my superiors, but she survived.”
“So I’m not the first mark you’ve taken pity on.”
“You’re the second. I never liked doing bad things to good people. Fortunately for me, most of the people the Colony had me go after were awful. It was a good job, and I was good at it. But Siryn hates me, and that makes sense. Before I tipped her off, there was… entanglement. I think I broke her heart. The mission here was the last mission before I came to your world.”
“Maybe she broke you as much as you broke her, if after a lifetime of serving the Colony, your first betrayal was for her.” His eyes narrow slightly, not with malice, but with interest. “Are you in love with her?”
I sigh. “That’s… Siryn is one of the most astonishing people I have ever met. She was strong in ways I never even understood you could be strong. I saved her because she deserved to be saved. She was too damn good to die in a Colony noose. And yes, I formed a bond with her. There was love. I’m not going to deny that. I…” I bite my lower lip. “I worshipped her. It was an admiration that went all the way to the core of me. She was everything I never knew I wanted to be, and getting to be close to her felt like more than intimacy. It felt like an honor.”
I don’t know if he can understand any of that. Most people I’ve encountered think sexuality is about dicks and vaginas. Even advanced aliens come down to that most of the time.
“I understand,” he says.
“Really?”
“I’ve met Siryn,” he reminds me. “I see how impressive she is. And I see how like you she is in many ways, but without the cunning. She is bold instead of sneaky.”
“Good description,” I say. “Anyway, I don’t know what she saw in me. But she was fond of me. She had several lovers. I wasn’t her one and only, or even close. But it was still a betrayal. Siryn does not trust easily, and once you fail her, that’s it. She’s not going to forgive me. What I did to her was unforgivable. Like I said. I brought you and Nemo here, because, aside from when I met you, this is the place I’ve felt the most safe. But it’s not a place for me anymore…”
I break off as I hear a gurgle and a cry. Baby sounds. I turn around to see Siryn standing not far away, well within earshot. My face flames as I wonder how much of that she heard. I mouthwhat the fuckat Kail. He must have known she was there but didn’t see fit to warn me.
I wish the dock would just open up and let me fall into unboundaried space. That would be so much less humiliating than what is currently happening.
Siryn switches Nemo from one hip to the other.
“I don’t know why you can’t say these things to my face,” she says, deceptively casually.
“Because I lied to your face once and they wouldn’t mean anything. They probably don’t mean anything to you now.”
