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I ate quietly while everyone else chatted. My feet hung into the river, and the cool water felt nice on my skin. Honestly, I had never felt so exhausted in my life.
Though they were all near me, I didn’t listen to their conversations. My mind felt like it had just survived a war—and I guess maybe it had.
“You doing okay?” Ivy asked me, stepping out of the water and then dropping down onto the riverbank beside me. She slipped her toes beneath the water, like mine. There was a little bit of a ledge between the bank and the surface of the river, so I was pretty sure it was the same one we’d sat next to during our girls’ night.
“Yeah. Just tired.”
My mind was moving slowly, but it kept going back to the way I felt. My shoulders felt lower, my lungs felt clearer.
I just felt… fresher. Newer.
More at peace.
If this was what it felt like to burn away my emotions, like Flame kept saying, it was definitely worth it.
I still dreaded starting back up again, though.
“If Tariq is pushing you too hard, just tell him to back off. I know he’s always intense about everything.” She bumped her arm lightly against mine.
“It’s all good. You know I’ll tell him if he’s being a dick.”
She grinned. “Yeah, you will.”
Tariq came over to us, grabbing his mate off the riverbank and tugging her back into the water. She laughed as he dragged her under, and when they surfaced a second later, they were both laughing.
A few weeks ago, the moment would’ve bothered me. It would’ve reminded me what I didn’t have—what I didn’t know if I even wanted.
Now, it just reminded me of Odin waking me up in the middle of the night to ask me if he could hold me while we slept. Of the way he’d carried my naked ass to the bathroom in the morning.
Of the way he made me feel like he had waited an eternity for me—and like he felt really damn lucky to be my mate.
My lips curved upward as I watched the couple interact in the water. I glanced sideways after a few minutes, and I saw Ayla practicing sign language with Flood and the earth fae she’d come with. When she asked him what the sign was for a certain word, he’d read her lips and then show her how to say the word with her hands.
I knew Flood could both hear her voice and read her lips, so he undoubtedly always knew what she was saying to him. But for him to speak back, they’d both need to know how to sign.
When our lunchbreak was over, we went back to practicing. Flood and the earth fae woman were much more involved in teaching Ivy and Ayla than Flame was involved in teaching me, but after a few hours of practice, I was fairly certain I understood why. With the fire magic, everything was either emotional or instinctual. There was no logic involved. No training or teaching that he could give me.
I would either find my own equilibrium with my magic, or I would be a ticking time bomb for the rest of my life. No one could learn it for me or do it for me. I would figure it out, or I wouldn’t. Period.
I continued peeling away at my grip on the power again, and again, and again. By the time the sun had set and everyone was heading back to the castle, I still hadn’t managed to relinquish that control long enough to let myself burn the way Flame said I needed to.
I had to burn until the magic was docile, until the flames could respond to me rather than react.
A hiss escaped me as my fear clamped down on my magic again, holding it hostage in my chest and veins.
I wiped grit from my face—and probably soot, too.
Ivy waved at me, distracting me before I could dig back in and try again. “You ready to go back for dinner? Everyone else already left.” She gestured toward the castle.
I shook my head. “I’ve got to figure this out.”
“It’ll be the same tomorrow,” she reminded me.
I finally met her eyes, and saw some concern in them. “I can’t stop now. I’m so close, I can feel it.”
“You didn’t eat much for breakfast or lunch. You have to take care of yourself,” she warned.
I gave her a quick smile. “I’m fine. Quake will make sure I eat. He’s always going on about how food will help with everything.”
