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“Ya, so it’s all in my head, right? Give me a fucking break. But yet again, Declan fucking Walsh can never be in the wrong, right?”
Declan threw his hands in the air. “There is no talking to you when you’re like this.”
“Like what?” Rhys tossed back at him. “Being honest? Telling you that sometimes I hate myself so much that I drink to forget. Explain how I felt disgusted at myself every time I woke up in some stranger’s bed and didn’t know where the fuck I was or how I got there? Telling you what’s going on in my head and what’s been so fucking loud that I decided to try cocaine to block it out?”
Rhys had to work hard to keep his voice from rising and he took a step closer to Declan., huffing out a snort. “It’s so fucking funny that I idolized you growing up. I would have done anything for you. Anything. You walked on water, Dec, and I always knew one day I’d know why the fuck you bothered with me. And then I started to see how you looked at Andi and I knew, that was the only reason you became friends with me.”
Declan looked like he wanted to protest, however Rhys kept talking. “Was that it? Was I just a means to getting to Andi? Make friends with the idiot brother who couldn’t read properly so that she’d like you? You don’t have to admit it...I’ve always known there was no other reason you’d wanna be my friend.”
“Rhys,” Declan started softly, as if he was afraid of spooking him. “I’m sorry that’s what you think but it’s not true. Do you know what I thought when Andi finally agreed to give us a shot? That one day, if I was lucky enough to marry her, then you and me would officially be brothers. I swear on my father’s life that I didn’t use you to get to Andi.”
Declan’s father had died in a fire a long time ago, leaving Declan to help raise his three siblings with his mam. Rhys truly wanted to believe that Declan wasn’t using his dad to try and lie to Rhys, but Rhys felt more confused than ever.
“I saw how you looked at Andi. I knew you liked her. You started spending most weekends at mine and you and Andi started getting closer and closer. It was stupid, but I was jealous. Andi had lots of friends. She was smart and talented and I only had you. You want me to be honest so here I am.”
Declan opened his mouth as if to response, the closed it again, his eyes wide.
“I was afraid I was in love with you for years,” Rhys said out loud for the first time, even though he had scoffed when his therapist had asked him outright if he was in love with Declan and was angry that he could never reciprocate. “Because I was so jealous. I’m not, yano. So don’t freak out. I just think you need to know how you being with Andi has affected me and then I’ll leave.”
His friend’s eyes went wider, and Rhys ran his hand threw his hair and laughed. “I know my feelings are weird. Believe me. But when I’m stressed with the band and need to vent, I could always go to Andi and curse you out for being a control freak and then take the time to realize you were right. I just needed someone to vent to. When something happened at home with the folks or if I had an argument with Andi over stupid shit, I could vent to you and that would be it.”
Releasing a sigh, Rhys continued. “And now, I have no one to talk to because if I do, Andi would be forced to keep it from you or worse, fight with you because she’s trying to protect me. It’s like I’ve lost the two people in the world I could talk to and it fucking hurts, Dec.”
“Okay,” Declan said after the longest time, shoving his hands into his jeans pocket. “I get it now. but what I don’t get it why you kept it from us the fact that you can sing like that?”
“What? I have a passable singing voice. Who the fuck cares, Dec?”
“I care, Rhys,” Declan told him, clearing his voice like he was trying to get rid of some of the emotion in his words, taking a step toward him. “And that’s more than a passable voice. Hell Rhys, you can sing. Why would you lie and say you couldn’t. I just don’t get it.”
Rhys felt exhausted, just utterly drained and he was already done with tonight. He knew he sounded tired as he tried to answer Declan. “Because I would never be as good as you. Or Andi. Hell, Andi is so much better than me even on the piano. I knew that being compared to you and her would make me even more miserable. So I just stopped. Have you ever even felt what it’s like to be surrounded by all these talented people and just feel like you are the weakest link? Because that’s me...every goddamn day.”
Lifting his eyes up, Rhys knew Declan was absorbing his words, saw them sink in. Rhys was just about ready to snatch the keys right out of Declan’s grasp and bolt. The pain in his head grew and grew, and the ache in his chest had not subsided as much as Rhys had hoped it would when all of his secrets were laid bare for everyone to see an judge.
Instead, Rhys felt like being up front about how he was feeling had only made the rift between him and Declan even bigger.
“You’re not the weak link, Rhys. You never were. And I am sorry if I made you feel like that. You don’t have to compare yourself to anyone else. We are all equal in the band. You’ve got to believe that or else how the hell can we fix this thing between us? I don’t want to have to choose between my best friend and the woman I love. C’mon, Rhys, just tell me what you want and we can do it.”
Rhys shook his head. “That’s it, Dec. I dunno what I want. But right now, I want to go home. So, can you give me my keys so I can get the hell out of here.”
“Can we not just sort this out tonight?” Declan asked him, even as he handed Rhys his keys. “I miss my friend.”
“And I miss mine, Dec...but answer me one question and if you can answer it honestly, then maybe we can do what you want,” Rhys knew he was probably being a bastard by putting Declan on the spot, but it was like his bandmate just wasn’t getting the full picture of what Rhys was trying to prove. “If you can promise me that the stuff I shared will be kept between us, that you won’t go home with my sister and spill all my fucking secrets to her, then ya, I’ll stay and sort shit out. So you tell me Dec, was I right and you being with Andi has changed us or can you hold off on the pillow talk?”
Rhys mightn’t be the smartest man in the world but even he could figure out from the bitch slapped look on his friends face that Rhys had been right and Rhys felt his shoulders slump as he smirked. “That’s exactly what I thought. And you don’t have to worry about choosing, Dec. it’s obvious to everyone you’ve already chosen Andi.”
“That’s not fucking fair, Rhys, and you fucking know it.” Declan growled, a storm brewing in his eyes.
“Ya, I agree, Dec.. It’s not fucking fair. But it is what it is.”
Rhys turned away from Declan, headed for the driver’s door and opened it, getting ready to get in when Declan grabbed the door, holding it open. “Dammit, Rhys. This isn’t over. We need to talk about it some more. I feel like I’m being pulled in two different directions and it’s killing me. C’mon man, don’t do this.”
Declan’s voice cracked and Rhys felt his heart lurch. He really wanted to tell Declan that they could work it out, that everything would be okay, but Rhys couldn’t put himself in a position where he went back to old habits to make himself forget.
Rhys had always considered that breaking the habits he had meant separating himself from his old party crew and getting his head right, but maybe, all along, the problem hadn’t been Rhys coping mechanisms, but the people that made him want to lean on alcohol and sex to not feel.
Maybe, just maybe, in order to heal, Rhys had to cut the ties that hurt him, even for a little while so he could feel well again.
“I’ll make it easy for ya, Dec. I’m out. I quit. Find yourself another keyboard player. I can’t do this anymore.”
