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“His yelling made you have to pee?” she asks dubiously. The couple at the table next to us glances over.
“Tingles, not tinkles. Jesus, take the wheel.”
“What’s your definition of tingles, exactly?” she asks.
“You know, the shivers…goosebumps. It was a total turn-on. He was like an Irish dark-haired Thor pacing the bedroom, all shirtless, angry, and dripping wet from his shower. It was so hot.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard Connor raise his voice or use the word ‘tingles’.”
“He didn’t!” I snap in irritation.
“So, he didn’t raise his voice when he used the word tingles when he tinkled?”
“You’re annoying me.”
“I know.” She sits back with a smug smile.
“Can we please move past the word ‘tingles’?”
“I’ll try my best.” She bites her lip, lifting her menu.
“Anyhoo, it was a whole new side to him I’ve never seen before.” I grip my menu tight. “So hot and distracting. I have no clue what we were fighting about because all I wanted to do was role-play Thor. I even gave him a kitchen mallet while he was lecturing me, but he wasn’t in the mood for my bollycocks.”
“Stop right there. Whatever cocks and balls you want to talk about, you can keep to yourself. I don’t need specifics.”
“Well then, you’ll be happy to know nothing happened. He went to bed mad, even after I tied myself naked to my chair with my tie.”
“That’s disturbing.” She snaps her menu shut. “I hope you didn’t get all tingly and tinkle on yourself.”
“You’ve lost your best friend card. Are you happy now?”
Kiki takes a sip of water, regarding me carefully over the rim of her glass. “All joking aside, maybe this is a sign you two aren’t ready for this journey yet. Clearly, you’re not on the same page.”
“Kinky, please don’t be such a Debbie downer and wah-wah all over my child-bearing dream. God, it’s like a sauna in here, don’t you think?”
“Maybe you’re going through the change.”
“I swear, if I sweat in this silk shirt, I’m going to get pit stains and die.” I check under my armpits, but thankfully I’m in the clear.
Kiki wrinkles her nose while looking to see if anyone is watching us. “Stop smelling your pits in public, please. Someone will probably take a picture of us and it will be tabloid fodder. The reason I asked you to lunch today was because I wanted to talk to you about a couple things. The first isNashville Next.”
“What about them?”
“Are you sure their intentions are good? I mean, they haven’t been filming you much, and the other day you said they’re looking for action. You’re fabulous and all, but something seems off.”
“I mean, they want our story…but I might have stretched the importance of it a bit. We aren’t the main focus. They’re tired of filming me ordering coffee and sweatin’ to Britney at the gym.”
“What do you mean you’re not the main focus? I thought they were following your baby journey. Who’s supposed to be the star of this little exposé?”
“I might have told a little fib and pitched it as a story about Tatum and Lex and how we all work together, and that Lex’s brother and I are trying to have a baby. Kind of like a fun little sitcom reality show. LikeFriends, but kind of, not really. Don’t be mad.”
“LikeFriends, but kind of not really? What the fuck, TJ!”
“I knooow, but when I got a call back from the producer, I was so excited. He kept asking questions about Tatum, Lex, Will, and Matt. I don’t even know what he was asking, I just said sure, where do I sign?”
“TJ, you realize you’re going to have to call them and tell them the truth, right?”
“But Kiki, couldn’t Tatum—”
