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“It’s a yes-or-no question. Pretty straightforward,” I reply.
“I, uh…”
“What TJ is asking is if you mind having someone blow glitter in your face.” Connor peers at me and raises an eyebrow in that sexy Irish way of his, making me want to throw him down on this table. Unfortunately, Amy’s annoying voice immediately crushes my fantasy.
“Oh, uh, no, definitely not. I would not enjoy that.”
“Hmm.” I draw a big X next to her name and the words ‘hates glitter’. “Tell me, Amy, how much coffee do you consume on a daily basis?”
“Oh, I don’t drink coffee.” She smiles like that’s going to win her points. It doesn’t.
What psychopath doesn’t drink coffee? “You’re telling me you live in Seattle and don’t drink coffee? That should be illegal.”
“Oh my god,” Connor murmurs, rubbing his forehead. That’s his tell when he’s exasperated with me, but I don’t care. The woman carrying my child has to be simpatico with me. I try to picture myself on the couch next to Amy, both of us wearing avocado vitamin C masks while we toss popcorn into each other’s mouths, watchingBridgertonand swooning over Regé-Jean Page’s butt. Amy looks like she’d be more interested in doing taxes than chilling with me.
“I’m an herbal tea drinker.” Amy shrugs. She adjusts her glasses. “Besides, it’s not good to have caffeine during pregnancy.”
“She’s probably a hippie,” I whisper loudly to Connor, who groans. Bartie jumps up on the desk and meows. I pick him up and hold him to my chest. “One last question and then I think we can call it a day. What do you think of the name Bartholomew?”
“Wasn’t he an Apostle?”
“Uh, I’m not sure.” I look over at Connor and he shrugs.
Amy types something on her computer. “Yep, he was.”
“Okay, well that’s not why I was asking. I’m curious to know what you think of the name?” Lord Jesus, I’m trying to hold it together, but I’m seconds away from hanging up on her.
“Oh lass, don’t mess this up,” Connor mutters under his breath.
“I mean, it’s uh, a little old-fashioned, if I’m being honest.”
“Well, what name do you like if the baby is a boy?”
“I don’t think that’s up to me.”
“Oh my god, Amy, can you just play along? What name would you choose if the baby were a boy?”
“Ooh-kay. I’ve always liked the name Lucas.”
I shake my head and shudder. “Yeah, no, I can’t. It reminds me of locusts, those annoying gross bugs that make a lot of noise and leave their empty shells everywhere in the summertime.”
I can feel Connor glaring at me.
“Is that a cat? I’m highly allergic to cats.”
Drawing a big X, I write, ‘kills cats’. I slam my notebook shut and Connor slumps back in his chair, defeated-like.
“It was nice to meet you, Amy. We’ll let you know what we decide.” I click off the session as she’s about to open her mouth. “Ugh, she wasawful. Thank God we could Zoom live with her. Applicants are so different on paper, don’t you think?”
“TJ, you can’t judge a person’s character by whether they like sparkles, the name Bartie, and if they prefer vacationing in St. Tropez or the Swiss Alps. It’s not realistic. And what were all the weird questions about coffee?”
“She’s a cat killer, Connor.”
“She said she’s allergic to cats.”
“Same diff. She can’t be hating our firstborn, Bartie.” I lovingly scratch under Bartie’s chin. “And can you believe she wanted to call the baby Locust? Our baby would come out with buggy eyes.”
“Jesus, I feel shattered.” Connor rubs his forehead. “Yer being ridiculous.”
