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Dawn came, but it wasn’t harsh or abrasive. The window’s golden light was filtered by layers of snow and ice, casting the three naked bodies surrounding me in a hazy, muted glow.
How long can you do this?
The question came to mind entirely unbidden. It wasn’t the first time I’d asked it of myself. But it was the first time I actually answered.
I… I just don’t know.
I cuddled up to my lovers in the cooler morning air, lost in a valley of warm man-muscle. This whole thing seemed like a fantasy to me, and of course that’s exactly what it was; an emotional fantasy every bit as much as a physical one. At first it seemed fine to me, rolling with things as they were. The guys were fun, funny, welcoming and sweet. I grew more and more comfortable each time we got together. But now…
Now I was getting attached, and with that attachment came the grim responsibility of uncertainty. The end of whatever we had going on always seemed fuzzy, and very far away. But as we grew closer, it came into sharper focus. As I became more emotionally enmeshed in my lovers’ three beautiful lives, the potential end started looming like some dark, unwanted cloud.
Could I get hurt?
I could, of course. At any moment, that was always the case. I’d always known.
If I did, it would be bad.
Three times as bad, actually. Three times as emotionally crushing, as mentally draining; as any single relationship.
Even worse, I could hurt them.
It devastated me to think that way, but it was always a possibility as well. But that was the trade off. That was the price for the flesh, the fantasy, the love we were sharing as a trio, rather than in more traditional ways.
Love?
An inner warmth stole over me, as the full impact of the admission hit home. I wanted to embrace the realization. I wanted to cling to it, to hold it right up against my heart and make it a part of my soul. But as always, I was afraid.
Three times as afraid.
Behind me, Jay stirred. He let out a sexy grunt, then slid his hand past my hip and over my midsection. Even in his sleep he held me with possessive reassurance. I felt his body relax, as a sigh escaped his lips.
No, I decided consciously. I wasn’t afraid. I couldn’t be afraid, I needed to be brave. If not for me, for all of us.
Whatever happened, happened. If we continued loving each other and this arrangement went on and on, so be it. I would make it work, for as long as their three loving hearts kept beating in time with mine.
But if they didn’t? If we did somehow break up, and my life was doomed to return to normalcy again? An even more ominous question loomed in the back of my mind.
How could I ever go back?
Forty-One
LUCA
“Hey boss!” the foreman of my contracting crew called loudly from downstairs. “Can you come down for a minute?”
I froze in my precarious position, halfway up the step ladder, in the middle of the hallway. I had both hands occupied, my arms spread wide.
“Be there in a few.” I mumbled.
It wasn’t easy, talking with a half-dozen two-inch nails clamped between my teeth. But that’s what happened when you were forced to do things yourself. Especially when you got creative with summoning up some extra hands.
“Boss?”
I’d been in the zone, getting things done, listening to music in my own head. Reminiscing and even daydreaming about our weekend away, and how good it had felt to get out of town for once.
But apparently, my foreman wasn’t having it.
“I dunno, maybe come now?” the man urged. “This looks kinda serious.”
