Page 40 of The Fall

She feels betrayed by Tom. He promised her that he wouldn’t have contact with Patrick until they’d agreed together to resume communication. To hear this from Patrick and then to hear that Tom confided something in him that Nicole doesn’t know is to have some of her worst fears come true.

She opens the only drawer she hasn’t searched yet and rifles through it urgently. There’s nothing there except for some nail clippers and bottles from the expensive skincare ranges Tomhas been trying. She slams the drawer shut and catches sight of her reflection, flinching at how haggard she looks, the dark circles beneath her eyes, her puffy skin.

She knows this search is pointless because the police have already looked through every drawer and cupboard and trawled all his devices, so they’ve been everywhere before her. If they’d found evidence of an affair, or of mental health issues, then surely they’d have told her.

She lies down on their bed and tries to will her brain to think clearly enough to remember whether Tom had been showing signs of depression. Was it right under her nose? Did she not notice that he was struggling because their life was so crazy and busy?

She knows they were happy before they won the money, and she thinks back through all the stages of them getting here. The shock and thrill of the win, combined with Tom’s pain at losing his granny; the planning for a new life and letting go of the old one; the practical demands of negotiating to purchase the land; the design of the house, the build, the decoration, the landscaping and planting. It’s been a lot. Did she lose him somewhere along the way?

She thinks about it. He seemed okay. He tuned out of some of the practical arrangements, but he was super-engaged with lots of things like the tech elements of the design and build and he was so proud and happy when they moved in, wandering around with a big grin on his face, chatting with the removal guys. That’s how she remembers it, anyway.

She wonders if she could have been projecting, attributing all sorts of wonderful feelings to him, when in fact it was her whowas experiencing them? Or was he pretending? But could he really have faked his happiness when he opened the champagne on their first night here after all the men had left? Or when he tried to dance with her, or led her to their new bed, the mattress still wrapped, and they made love on the sticky plastic before falling asleep in each other’s arms and were woken up early the next morning by the blinds rising in time to show them a beautiful dawn breaking over their beloved view on a crisp, clear winter morning.

To Nicole, it was bliss. Was Tom really hiding sadness? It wasn’t in his nature to hide things. Except, perhaps, where Patrick was concerned. Which raises the uncomfortable question: if he was willing to lie about Patrick, were there other things?

She tries to focus on the matter in hand: the detail of what Patrick learned. According to Patrick, Tom told him that he was considering speaking to a therapist and a doctor. Nicole had pressed him on that. Did Tom say why he was unhappy?

‘He said he was rich now, but he was still him. He thought things would be more different.’

She wonders what this could mean, whether it implies that Tom was already unhappy and the disappointment that their win hadn’t changed things for the better was acute. She remembers moments from after their win when Tom seemed uncomfortable. There was the time that his burgeoning enthusiasm for starting a wine collection was tempered by paranoia that the wine merchant was looking down on him. But he wasn’t alone. They’d both felt the same way. Setting up their new, larger life was overwhelming at times after the small existence they’d had. They had so much to learn.

‘Fake it till you make it!’ Nicole had told him. ‘I do!’ While Tom played with his new gadgets, she compulsively studied articles and photographs for ideas on how to dress and how to decorate in their new life. Almost everyone she follows on Instagram and TikTok is a fashion or interiors influencer. From the moment she called the National Lottery winners’ line she’s felt the pressure to live up to the win, to be good at being rich. Her perfectionism kicked in in spades and she’s proud of what she’s achieved.

But Tom has never been as nimble as her, or as practical. Nicole does what she has to do to achieve something. She’s outcome focused. Have I been dragging him along unwillingly, unhappily? she asks herself. The thought is devastating, and she can’t accept it. It doesn’t feel right. She knows,knew, her man.

She hears a gentle knock on the door and considers ignoring it and pretending to be asleep, but she’d better not. It’s not fair on Patrick. ‘Hi,’ she says.

‘Are you okay?’ Patrick calls.

‘Yes.’

‘Food’s ready if you want some.’

‘I’m coming.’ She stands up and smooths down her clothing, takes a deep breath and opens the bedroom door. The corridor is empty. She walks down it, towards the kitchen. Her limbs feel weighted.

An idea occurs to her: perhaps Tom told Patrick that he was depressed to make his friend feel better about their good fortune. It would be typical of Tom to make a gesture like that. He was so protective of Patrick, always. The thought makes sense and she feels slightly better. She takes a seat at the kitchenisland, alongside Patrick. I don’t care what you think, she tells him silently. Tom was happy.

Patrick’s phone starts to vibrate as he’s serving up. It’s on the island between them. ‘Shall I get it?’ she asks, reaching for it.

‘No!’ he snaps, and she snatches her hand back, shocked.

He grabs the phone and declines the call before slipping it into his pocket. ‘Sorry. I just don’t want to answer it right now. I’m not in the mood. Tom is on my mind too much.’

‘Oh,’ she says. ‘I understand.’ Though she’s not sure that she does. It seems to her that he didn’t want her to know who was calling.

Patrick puts a plate of tacos in front of her. The food smells fragrant and looks wonderful but she can only pick at it. They don’t speak for a while.

‘You don’t like it?’ he asks when his plate is clean but she’s still pushing food around hers.

‘It’s lovely. I’m just, I’ve got no appetite.’

‘I’m sorry I landed that on you earlier, about Tom’s depression,’ Patrick says. ‘I didn’t think it would be a shock.’

Feeling defensive, she watches him carefully for signs that he’s relishing knowing something about Tom that she didn’t know, the way he used to, but it’s hard to read him. He seems so calm these days, so stable, and it’s weird. She wonders if he’s medicated and if that’s what has evened his temperament out.

‘Tom and I didn’t have secrets from each other,’ she says.

‘If he kept this from you, I’m sure he didn’t think of it as keeping a secret from you. He probably didn’t want to upset you.’

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