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My head drops into my hands, my whole fucking world rocked by Cassie’s words.
Hearing that Bri is barely surviving is tearing me to shreds. I hate that I’ve done that to her. But on the other hand, hearing how she still needs me . . . fuck. It makes me feel alive for the first time in five long months.
God, I must be the most selfish motherfucker who ever walked the planet.
Cass sits up straighter, and I sense her debating whether to continue, and I lift my head to meet her stare. She cringes before finally letting it out. “I convinced her to go on a date tonight.”
What the actual fuck?
It’s like a knife right through the chest. I knew this day would come, but fuck, I wasn’t ready.
“What the hell, Cass?” I demand as thoughts of random guys with my girl start clouding my mind, the rabid jealousy already putting me on edge. This is exactly what I asked for, so I have no right to complain about it now that it’s here. What if this guy doesn’t have her best interests at heart? What if he hurts her?
“What do you mean, What the hell? She needs to move on, and she won’t do that while she’s sitting at home every night, unable to forget about the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with,” she says. “She needs to get out there again, needs to put you aside in a little box and forget about you so she can find the one guy who is actually going to give her the world. This is what you asked for, Carter. Isn’t that what you wanted?”
“Yes . . . no. I don’t fucking know. I want her to find someone who can give her everything she wants in life,” I tell her, but I’m not convinced by my own words. Maybe I don’t want her to find someone. I know it’s what’s best for her, but despite what we want for our futures, she’s still my girl, still the woman I love. Always will be.
“I hate to break the bad news, brother, but she can’t find that if she doesn’t start dating. Her knight in shining armor isn’t just going to magically fall from the sky one day. She needs to go out there and find him.”
“I know,” I sigh, hating myself that much more.
“You still wish you could give her that?”
“Every fucking moment of every day,” I tell her. “I wish I could be like you and Sean and see myself being married with kids, but I just can’t. That shit isn’t in the cards for me.”
“I know. You don’t need to apologize for who you are.”
“I do,” I insist. “I hurt the woman I love because of who I am.”
“I don’t know how to help you, Carter,” Cassie admits, throwing her arms around me. “I want you two to be together so bad. I know it’s what you both want, and I keep wishing you could be that guy for her. You know, the one who takes her on crazy adventures and marries her in a fucking hot air balloon, but I know it’s not going to happen.”
“I know,” I say as I hold her tight, picturing that hot air balloon so damn clearly and willing myself to want it. “Maybe one day I might be that guy.”
“That could take forever,” she says.
“And forever could be too late.”
----------
I sit in the darkest corner of the bar, nursing my drink as I keep my eyes locked on the door, just waiting for her to walk through it. There are at least four men here sitting alone at tables, all of who look like the kind of guys Bri might date, and I want to knock every last one of them out.
This is fucked. I can’t believe I’m doing this like some jilted ex who can’t possibly let go. But I suppose that’s exactly what I am. I’ve turned into the worst version of myself, but I need to make sure she’s alright. What the fuck was Cass thinking setting her up with some stranger off Tinder? I don’t know anything about this guy Bri’s meeting, but if he turns out to be some asshole who’s gonna hurt her, then you bet I’m gonna be fucking ready.
I haven’t seen her since the day I broke her, and I’m a mess of nerves. I never get like this, but there’s just something about her that drives me crazy.
Hands down, this is going to be the hardest night of my life. I must be fucking crazy to put myself through this type of torture. I can just see it now; Bri is going to walk through that door looking like a fucking dream, and it’s going to bring me to my knees. She’ll smile at her date, and if he’s any kind of gentleman, he’ll stand, offer her his hand, and kiss her on the cheek, which is right about when my patience will snap and I’ll kill the fucker.
