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“I can’t ask him to stay. I would never do that. It’s not fair to him. He sees this as his chance of making something of his life. He’s trying to figure out what he wants and to find his own way in the world the same way I did when I was younger. I would never ask him to sacrifice that because I’m…” I waved my hands. “Feeling him. He would resent me.” God, this sucked. Why did we have to discuss this? Couldn’t we pretend none of it was happening?
He cocked his head, the expression on his face changing, the corners of his mouth turned down. I didn’t know if he even realized he did it. “Then go with him,” Corbin said softly. “If you wouldn’t want to leave because of me, you can, Marcus. I’d be fine. I’d miss you, and I’d have to have my own room in your Atlanta house so I could come stay with you whenever I wanted, but I’d be fine, and oooh! You and Kai could adopt me! Then I’d have two daddies.”
He meant for me to laugh, but I didn’t. I couldn’t leave Santa Monica. Why would he even say that? Especially for something that Kai and I hadn’t even put a name to. He was going to learn about himself, and the last thing I wanted was to drag him down or keep him from figuring it all out. “That’s ridiculous.”
“No, it’s not. If you love him, it’s not.”
“It would never work.”
“You’re making excuses. You’re not your parents. You’re better at loving people than anyone I know, Marcus. You deserve to be happy, and if Kai makes you feel that way, if he really makes you feel it, then you have to do everything you can to hold on to it.”
What about you?
I didn’t need to speak the words for Corbin to know they were there. “We’ll never change. You’ll never get rid of me. If I needed you, I have no doubt you would jump on a plane and be here for me the moment you could, but I can’t spend my life depending on you…coming to you when I need to feel better about myself.”
“You don’t do that,” I said, but we both knew he did, and that had always worked for us. Corbin needed me more than even Parker and Declan did, and I needed to be needed. It was strictly platonic, but that didn’t change what we were to each other. When Corbin stared at me like I was an idiot, I said, “I’m not in love with him, and I’m not leaving. I don’t even know why we’re talking about this. I like him. There’s no denying that, but my life is here, and Kai is trying to get independence. I wouldn’t ever take that away from him.”
Corbin rolled his eyes, but he let it go. We finished eating and talked about safe subjects that had nothing to do with Kai. After dinner we worked on editing The Vers. I still kept Corbin’s phone, and the fact that he didn’t ask for it back told me he’d been obsessing about his social media pages and knew he needed a break.
“Let’s watch a show,” I said, and he nodded. We settled on the couch, and I found a comedy I knew he’d like.
“Did I tell you I have a new neighbor? His name is Spencer, and he hates me.”
I turned to face him. “Fuck him. Not literally. Or did you already?”
Corbin chuckled. “I didn’t fuck him. He says I’m conceited and, I quote, believe looks matter more than anything else. That I’m spreading a dangerous narrative to younger queer youth about their bodies and appearance. What the fuck is that? Who the hell does he think he is? Spencer doesn’t know shit about me.”
“Jesus. Don’t listen to him. You’re not listening to him, right?”
Corbin shrugged.
“Corb. Seriously, fuck that guy. Don’t listen to him. He doesn’t know you.”
“He’s on the thicker side…a little softer, or fuller. We got into it, and he said I would never date someone like him because he doesn’t have the perfect body—his words, not mine. Which isn’t fucking true. I’m not that superficial. But then…look how I am with that fucking phone. I’m always obsessing about it, scanning comments and freaking the fuck out over everything people say. I can’t help wondering…is he right about me?”
Furious heat scorched my body. Whoever the hell this Spencer was, he needed to cut this shit out. I’d find him myself and tell him to. “Hey,” I said. When Corbin didn’t look at me, I held his chin and turned his head toward me. “He doesn’t know you, kid. It sounds like he’s projecting some of his own shit on you. He doesn’t know who you are. You love everyone. It’s yourself you can’t seem to feel the same way about.” When I pulled him close, Corbin came easily. I wrapped an arm around him and kissed his temple. “I love you, kid.”
