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God, I’m so angry. I’m good at my job! I don’t deserve to be yelled at. It makes me question everything—why the hell it’s worth it for me to be here in the first place, if maybe I’m not as good of a nurse as I think I am. It doesn’t matter that deep down I know logically, parents have off days, surgeons have off days, this has nothing to do with me. Even still, it feels like it does.
After a good little cry fest, I force a deep breath and walk out of my stall to see my eyes are red and puffy.
Just great. I still have three hours left to go on my shift.
Bianca isn’t at the desk when I return to my chair, but she’s left a little sticky note on my keyboard.
Hang in there.
Seeing it almost makes me cry all over again, but I suck it up, swallow down the last of my emotions, and get back to work.
Michael’s here. I saw him around lunch time when he walked by the break room. He smiled at me as he passed, but he was en route to see a patient, I think, so we didn’t talk. He comes to find me at the tail end of my shift though, which is surprising, because I thought we were mostly avoiding each other.
I’m closing out tabs on my computer, making sure I’ve put in the final notes so the nurses coming in are up to date on all our current patients when he says hi. Despite the slight awkwardness, it’s actually really nice to see a friendly face.
I smile and stand, pushing my chair in. “Hey, Michael. Just leaving?”
“Yeah.” He rubs the back of his neck, glances down the hall then back at me. “Actually, I stayed a little late hoping we could talk if you have a second.”
I fight back a pained expression.
“Of course, yeah. Just…” I sigh. “Could I grab my stuff and maybe we go outside? I’d really like to be done in this ICU for the day.”
I don’t want to be in the hospital for one second longer than necessary. In fact, I was planning to sprint out of here.
He nods enthusiastically. “Yeah, of course. I get it. I heard it was a rough one today.”
I shake my head and shoot him a look like he doesn’t know the half of it.
He waits for me at the desk while I grab my lunchbox and uneaten snacks from the break room. Once I’ve got my bag slung over my shoulder, I nod toward the hallway.
“Ready?”
We walk in silence for a bit. I think we’re both highly aware of the circumstances of our last encounter, the fact that we technically broke up, if you could even call it that.
Eventually, the tension starts to thaw out. Michael asks me about my day, and I explain it all, starting with the coffee incident. He’s a good listener and actually makes me feel a lot better about the Dr. Zhao thing.
“I’ve heard him raving about you and the other nurses on staff before. You have to know that had nothing to do with you today.”
“I appreciate that.”
“You’re a good nurse.”
I feel unwelcome tears prick the corners of my eyes. God, it’s silly, but this job is important to me and I respect Michael’s opinion, so his reassurance means a lot.
“Did you walk here?” he asks once we push open the lobby doors and break free out onto the sidewalk. I don’t even mind that the setting sun is already hidden behind skyscrapers. I’m just glad to be out in the regular world again, done with that nightmarish shift.
“Yup. You?”
“Yeah. I can walk you home if that’s okay? That way we can talk?”
I don’t have the heart to tell Michael no, and more than that, I genuinely don’t want to. Michael is someone I could see myself being friends with if the circumstances were right. It probably wouldn’t work right now, but maybe if he finds someone else and settles into another relationship, boundaries would be clear between us and we could just be buds.
Michael doesn’t launch into what he wants to tell me right away. He’s probably just a little nervous, so I don’t press him. If he wants to talk about the weather and what he’s planning to eat for a late dinner and some new TV show he just started watching, that’s fine by me. But we’re getting closer to my apartment and I know he’s going to have to say something soon. It’s making me nervous for him!
We round the corner and I know my doorman is waiting for me up ahead a few yards.
I suddenly stop and take Michael’s arm. “Hey, are we good?”
His eyes widen in shock.
“Just…is there something you wanted to tell me? Is that why you wanted to walk me home?” I laugh tightly. “Sorry if I’m being a little too direct, but this day has been intense enough already. Let’s just have it out, okay?”
