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After fifteen minutes of scrolling Netflix, I closed my laptop, drumming my fingers on top, and a jittery feeling worked its way under my skin.Dear lord, hold yourself together.
It had been weeks since I’d been home by myself. Normally, I hung out with my roommates or I was at Jax’s place. A huff left me as I reached over the side of my bed and grabbed my bag from the floor. It was a good time to read. I pulled up my Kindle app on my phone and tried to use a book to shut my head off. I had had no problem being alone before. If anything, I had preferred the quiet moments with my books. This constant pull toward Jax, who I’d just seen a few hours ago, highlighted the risk I was putting myself in.
My phone vibrated in my hand, and I smiled at the name. There would be plenty of time to be aloneafter.
Jax: what are you doing tomorrow?
Me: working
Jax: what are you doing right now?
Me: lying in bed
My phone buzzed as his call came through.
“Hello.” His rough voice seeped into my gut, down to my core.
“Hmmm” was all that came out when I tried to speak.
“How was your day today, Trouble?” His voice dipped lower as he stretched the syllables in my nickname.
My body heated with his words. This man was going to be the death of me. I pulled at my collar, trying to cool down. “You know perfectly well how my day was,” I said, trying and failing to make my voice sound natural. I hated that he had to go home and I couldn’t just go to his place tonight.
Jax lightened the mood with his laugh. “I know my day was fantastic. I spent the morning with a girl I’m crazy about.” There was a pause as he hesitated a moment. “Sid?” My name sounded like a question.
“Mhmm?”
“What are we doing?” Jax paused, and I was so still I forgot to breathe. “Because this is real for me. I know you said we have a time limit. Are you still firm on that?” His voice was unsure, barely more than a whisper.
My heart clenched in my chest, desperately wanting to give in to this pull of ours and do whatever we needed to do to stay together. The need was so strong I had to clamp my teeth together to stop myself from telling him everything had changed. I wanted to take away all of that worry, but the truth was I couldn’t.
There was fun and a connection to be had here, but it was fleeting. Soon, he would be out of here, and where did that leave me? I wasn’t giving my heart to someone that already had a first love. Jax’s life revolved around hockey. He had a contractual obligation to his team. There was no permanent place for me. Not without giving up on my dreams to follow him.
“I’m firm,” I said, clenching my teeth to stop myself from taking it back. My lips wobbled, but I took a deep, steadying breath, preparing for his next words. I listened to his breathing, waiting for him to speak.
“Okay, Sidney.” This time, he said my name as if it burned him, and the part of me I’d been hiding from myself, stuffing it deep inside, whimpered, knowing that was the last time he would ask.
Jax cleared his throat before he started on random topics. “Did you know we call tanks ‘tanks’ because in World War One, the army camouflaged them to look like water and supplied tanks to keep them hidden? Guess the name stuck.” The rhythm of his voice made me sleepy, but we kept talking through the night.
It was going to be the longest spring break of my life. I just hoped I was strong enough to handle it.
TWENTY-SIX
SIDNEY
There wereforty-nine hours to go until Jax got back. There was a certain level of patheticness to my hourly countdown, but splitting it up into days didn’t feel like enough. Unfortunately, it had the effect of making each hour feel like an eternity. Hell, I’d spent a significant amount of time staring at my watch instead of my textbook. I’d read the same paragraph more than a dozen times, but I couldn’t concentrate after the text Jax sent.
King: I miss you.
The simplest message had the air pushed out of my chest as my ribs caved in on my lungs. My eyes burned as I read the three words repeatedly. It was stupid, childish, and ridiculous to miss someone this much after just a few days. But that was how I was made. Deep down, in a place I refused to look, there was a blackness that festered. It liked to whisper in my ear that everyone would leave me, that I wasn’t good enough for long-standing love. Hell, I’d felt alone since my mother passed, no matter that she’d had no choice in it. To my younger self, I still felt abandoned.
I’d been fighting against that voice for the last few days, knowing I had absolutely no right to it. Not only was it foolish, but I’d literally been the one to make sure this didn’t get any deeper. I continuously reminded myself that I knew exactly how this ended, but in quiet moments, that ugly feeling still crept up, and like Jax could read my mind from hours away, he’d sent that text, reminding me he was still here. That it was all in my head. He was all mine, at least for now. I’d deal with the rest later.
I’d buried myself in the library to occupy my mind. It was a pointless attempt to make time go by faster. Reading had always been a part of me. Textbooks weren’t nearly as fun, but with Jax commanding I didn’t touch myself, there was no way I could read a smutty book while he was away. Not when he FaceTimed me every night, and just his gravelly voice had me wanting to beg for release. By the way he smirked at me, he knew exactly what he was doing.
Shit, I needed him to get back here, if only to get laid. I closed the book, eyes too crossed to read it anyway, and twisted my hair into a bun, securing it with my pen. I needed something a little less dry, or I’d pass out on my table.
I moved through the stacks and skimmed my fingers over the countless spines. There was a new vibe in here, different from the typical hum of studying students. The lights weren’t as bright here, the tall towers casting shadows where I stood. The library had been quiet all week; almost everyone had gone home for the week.
