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“I didn’t know, M’fhíorghrá. I swear on my life, I didn’t know. Your mom told me you left for college and that you never wanted to see or hear from me again. I tried to call you but your phone was disconnected. I wouldn’t let it drop. I kept showing up at your doorstep, but then your dad threatened me and my grandmother with some bullshit charges. He told me you were better off without me, and I fucking believed him.” I tighten my arms around her, anything to keep me—her—from falling apart. My breath catches in my throat as a tear slips down my blood stained cheek. “And the baby? Our baby?”
“I lost it. I lost our baby.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
EVE
I let the words hang between us, letting them take on a life of their own until they’re suffocating us both with loss. In a way, it feels good to have someone to share the grief with, but I hate that I had to shatter something so precious for Declan—a life that he gave me, whether he knew it or not.
I’ve had four years to sit with my grief, to submerge myself in it until I was drowning, and if I’m honest, I never surfaced. I was never really okay.
Declan holds me so close, so tight, I feel the small tremors work their way through his body. I didn’t mean to break this strong man, this man who meant so much to me, but it’s his right to know. To mourn the loss of the life he created.
The life I lost because I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t… enough.
“I’m sorry.” I pull back, ignoring my own tears, but wiping Declan’s clean.
His eyes open, and they’re swimming with sorrow. “Why are you sorry? You didn’t ask for any of this. You’ve had to suffer for years alone while I started fighting, building my name in blood and destruction.”
I push myself up from the floor and walk to a little room off to the side of the altar, turn on the small sink, and wet a rag. I sink back to the floor beside him and raise the cloth. “Can I?”
He nods.
“You really didn’t know I was here?” I ask softly, wiping the blood from his cheek and moving the cloth to his neck.
“No. I thought you finally realized you deserved better than some poor kid from the other side of town.” He stills my movements, grasping my chin and forcing me to look into his eyes. “If I knew you were here… If I knew there was a chance you still wanted me, I would have stopped at nothing to get you back. I would destroy the world for you, Eve.”
“You would have only destroyed yourself.”
“It would’ve been worth it to get to you.” His fingers tighten around my chin, a stark contrast to his thumb lightly brushing over my bottom lip.
“I would never ask you to do that.”
“Which is why I would, M’fhíorghrá.” He trails his fingers along my cheekbones, resting his hands on either side of my face.
“Is that what you do for Phoenix? Destroy the world?”
His eyes flutter closed for a second before they pin me in place. “I do a lot of things for Phoenix. Things I’m not proud of.”
“Then why do you do them?”
“Phoenix found me right after the height of my fighting career, when I truly was the Devil. Aside from my family, I didn’t care about anyone or anything, especially myself. I was angry. I was so fucking angry at you, your family, life, myself…and Phoenix gave me an outlet, something that gave my life a purpose, something more than just hurting people for fun. He offered me a shit-ton of money to work for him, which lets me help my grandmother with Ciara and James.”
My chest clenches and my eyes swim with unshed tears. His brother and sister must look so different now. They must hate me.
They were barely in middle school when I was forced to leave without as much as a goodbye. Their apartment wasn’t in the best neighborhood, so Declan and I would take them to the beach as often as we could, and when we were too busy, we’d get tacos instead.
“Are they…” I trail off, not sure if I have any right to ask Declan about his family. There was a time when there were no secrets between us, but now it feels like we’re miles apart, the space between us raw and bloody.
“They’re good.” His hands fall to my shoulders and his forehead rests against mine. We’re so close, I can feel the air leaving his mouth and ghosting over my lips. His proximity has my entire body quivering, on the edge of a jagged precipice, and I’m not sure if I want to fall or back away. “They missed you for a long time. I’ve missed you for a long time.”
We stay like that for several beats, our foreheads touching, our breaths mingling in the scant space between us. His gaze holds mine, and those brown orbs are full of repentance and guilt, but there’s something else there, desire, lust.
Declan’s hands wrap around my neck, his thumbs stroking down the column of my throat, and my eyes flutter closed.
His mouth brushes across mine, the barest touch, but it’s enough to ignite a flame inside me I thought had burned out the day I realized Declan wasn’t coming for us.
“I can’t,” I whisper, squeezing my eyes closed and rolling my forehead along his. “I’m so sorry, Declan. I’ve taken my temporary vows. My place is with the church.”
