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“But I am.”
My mouth dropped open, and for the first time I was speechless. It was a joke, meant to lighten the mood, it had to be, but when I searched his eyes, there wasn’t an ounce of dishonesty in them.
“I can see you’ve jumped to the worst conclusions. It’s not like you’re thinking. In a sense I’m married to the church.”
“You’re a priest?” Even as I said it, I knew it wasn’t true. It didn’t add up. A year ago he was married to Maggie, something that wasn’t possible if he was a priest.
“A deacon.”
Unable to stop my sarcasm, I scoffed, “So like a wannabe priest?”
Nate chuckled. “Something like that.”
“So that’s what you meant when you questioned your vows.”
He nodded silently, shame written plainly on his face.
“I don’t know the rules for deacons, but I take it you weren’t supposed to sleep with me.”
“Absolutely not. It was wrong on many levels.”
He clearly hadn’t shared the same experience because he believed that was true, at least part of him did, and so long as that was true, nothing I said would change his mind which was a damn shame.
I pressed my lips together to silence my frustrated sigh. “Why are you here then? You could have left, and though I would have been pissed, I never would have known.”
“I’m here because you were right.”
“I was?” Color me shocked.
Nate nodded and ran a hand through his already tousled hair. “Last night when you told me I was more than Maggie—more than my past— you were right. I didn’t want to admit it to myself then, but I’ve been running from my past for a long time. Who I was when my father controlled me is still who I am today. I may have shoved that side of me into a box and thrown it in the corner of my mind, but it’s always been there… haunting me.”
He paused and winced as if admitting that physically hurt him. His Adam's apple bobbed, and he continued. “But even though I’m still that man that needs control, I have grown and become so much more. I am a man of God, deeply rooted in my faith. The decision to become a deacon was strongly influenced by Maggie, but becoming catholic was a conversion between me and God. I love who I am when I minister in the church, but it’s only a part of me.”
“I’m still not sure what you are trying to tell me. It sounds to me like this is an awkward break up, and I probably would have been better if you just left the money and walked away.”
Nate chuckled. “You always speak your mind, don’t you?”
“It’s easier that way.” I shrugged, knowing damn well I was biting my tongue to protect my heart. He’d shattered the walls I’d worked so hard to erect. It was plain to see he needed my strength, and I’d gladly give it to him, but there was only so much I could take. If this was goodbye, I needed him to just leave.
“I… There… This isn’t a break up—the opposite actually. I’m just fucking it up.”
“It is?” I muttered, trying to keep the hope from my voice.
“This is all new to me. What I’m trying to say is I want more than one night with you. I want to explore who I am with you—outside the confines of my vows.”
For the second time in as many minutes, I was shocked.
He was choosing me. Us.
My heart skipped a beat and my soul and muse filled the silence with the final chorus of our song. It was the kind of melody that was meant to be blasted from speakers at full volume, and sung with reckless abandon.
The problem was that moment never lasted long enough. Reality was always there to ruin that perfectly sublime moment, and this was no different. He’d said everything I’d dreamed he would, but I couldn’t be what he wanted. Not because I didn’t want to, but because now that I knew who he was, I couldn’t unknow it, and that made all the difference.
I lifted my gaze and met his, not bothering to blink away the tears that blurred my vision. “I can't be with you.”
His brow furrowed, and I didn’t miss the small but weighted sigh he let out and he processed my words.
“It’s not that I don’t want to.” I huffed a weak laugh. “Believe me, I want to, but if we did this, then I’m no better than Maggie taking you out of a shitty situation and bonding you to her through your trauma. I won’t be that to you.”
