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The first week I tried to attack him with a razor blade. I did cut him a bit, but he didn’t punish me for it. Back then, he was kind. He was following a different tactic.
He took away the blades, though.
The memory suddenly brought an idea to me. I was not that stupid little girl anymore. I knew you could not defeat your captor with a razor blade, but this time I didn’t want to run away. I had nothing to run back to.
I just wanted to be free.
Aleksei was always watching over me to keep me away from doing this, but now he was not here.
I quickly got up and looked around. They must have been good captors because there was shampoo in the shower and a toothbrush with toothpaste in a glass. I didn’t care one bit about those items. I only cared about the glass.
I didn’t know how thick the walls were, but I was not risking anything. If they heard me, they would have come here. So, I didn’t flush and didn’t wash my hands. It was disgusting, but it was really not relevant.
There was a big towel next to the shower, so I reached for that. I wrapped the glass in the towel and banged it against the floor. It was hard to be silent, but it was better than breaking it directly against the floor. When I felt the glass breaking, I unwrapped it and reached for the sharpest piece there.
This was really happening. I was finally going to be free.
The last time I did this, I swallowed a bunch of pills, but Aleksei found me and took me to the ER to get my stomach pumped. I was too heartbroken when I woke up. I just wanted to be free of him.
Death was the only way out for me. I would welcome it with open arms.
There was no one watching over me, and there was no one to stop me.
I pressed the end of the glass to my wrist, swallowing a hiss. After everything I have been through, I still had low pain tolerance, but nothing could stop me from doing this. This was my salvation.
I cut one wrist, and then I cut the other. Shiny red blood tickled out of my flesh so beautifully. I always loved red.
A slight smile took hold of my lips, and I pressed my head to the tiled wall, my hands on either side. I closed my eyes, slowly savoring every second, every feeling.
Such a beautiful day.
Such a beautiful place.
And freedom was such a beautiful thing.
Gabriele
She was such a beautiful thing.
She was beautiful when I first saw her eight years ago. She was beautiful, lying down right in front of me now. She was even beautiful when she was lying in her own blood on the bathroom floor.
Fuck.
Why did she do that? I wouldn’t leave her alone if I knew she would do that. I thought at most she would attack someone. Maybe cry a little bit. But no, Kira Kozlov decided that it was horrible to be kidnapped, terrible to be away from her dearest Aleksei and fucking slit her wrists.
I was not going to hurt her. That was never my plan. I just wanted to drove Aleksei crazy. I just wanted to take something he valued. I didn’t want to hurt her. God, when I found her…
I told myself my panic was because she had more value alive than dead, but I knew that was bullshit. Kira Kozlov stirred something in me no one else did.
Even eight years later.
But I was not stupid anymore. I was not going to make a mistake because of her. The last time I missed the opportunity to kill Aleksei Smirnoff. She told her little boyfriend, and they ran away together.
Kira cost me a Smirnoff. Now it was time for payback.
She was going to stay alive until I had what I wanted. Hopefully, she was going to stay alive for a long time after that, too, because the thought of Kira Kozlov dying squeezed my chest. It was fucking stupid, but I couldn’t help it.
She could mourn her love and be miserable. She was not going to die.
