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I hated him.
Under all the effects of my pain, loss, and morphine, I realized something. I realized what was in front of me. Antonio Mazzoni, the Heartless. He was the Ice King everyone warned me about. Everyone was almost sure he was going to hurt me, and I didn’t listen to them. I believed he could change despite all the warnings. I believed in a stupid fairy-tale dream, but the reality was anything but a fairy-tale.
“I am so stupid,” I cried at the realization. I couldn’t even look at him. I always believed he was going to love me, and in the end, what broke me was not his lack of love.
“Priscilla, please,” he begged, cupping my cheek.
I hit his hand even though using my arm hurt like hell. I shook my head. “I am just a stupid little girl. I fucking ignored everyone.” I looked into his eyes with all my hate. “I wish I never married a monster like you.”
He flinched like I hit him. I didn’t care. He was probably just surprised. He was not capable of more than that. I couldn’t even see his reaction between my tears. It was not important anyway. I hated him so much.
I hated him because, without even trying, he made me love him. I hated him because even after he broke me, I still loved him.
I hated him because I couldn’t really hate him at all.
“I lost our baby Antonio,” I sobbed. “Are you even sad?”Can you even get sad?
Antonio answered with a raw voice. “I am.”
Oh no. I could not take that. “Please,” I begged as I kept crying. “Please, at least don’t lie to me.”
“Priscilla,” he started, but I cut him off.
“No!” I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want his lies. I didn’t want to look at him. Seeing him this strong hurt me more. Looking at him gave me more pain than all my injuries.
I just wanted to forget.
I wanted to go back to the fog. The unknown.
Antonio kept silent. “I just want one thing from you. There is nothing else you are capable of doing other than this.”
His head fell between his shoulders, and he rasped, “Tell me.”
“There is a white box in my luggage.” I sniffed at the memory, trying so hard to keep my sobs inside. “Please b-burn that and give me more morphine. I don’t want t-to hurt more.”
Antonio didn’t ask what was in the box. He didn’t fight me. He silently nodded and gave me more morphine sending me back to that peaceful fog. Taking all my pain away in the worst way.
Antonio
In the end, I used those gasoline cans. I used them to complete Priscilla’s only wish from me. The only thing I was capable of giving.
Her words suffocated me. The hate in her eyes squeezed my insides. I have never seen her look at anyone like this. Despite everything, I had never thought she was going to look at me like that one day.
I hated that I let her down. I caused her tears, and I wanted to beat myself to death for that. I tried to be strong for her because that was all I ever knew. When someone I cared about was sad, all I could do was be strong for them. I would fight when they were too hurt to fight.
I tried to do that for Priscilla, but it didn’t work. All she saw when she looked at me was an emotionless monster. A husband she regretted marrying.
And she was right. I was exactly that.
Because of the stupid voice of Rosetta in my head, I married her. I trapped that sunshine into my darkness. I didn’t deserve her, but I didn’t care. I thought I could take care of it. I thought I could make her happy.
I was wrong.
All I could do was give her more morphine and find that white box she mentioned. I thought about just putting it inside the trash can and burning it. I didn’t have the strength to start a bonfire. I was hurting more than I ever had.
In the end, I decided to open the box. It had frilly ribbons around, and when I got rid of it, a white rolled-up fabric came into sight. I took it out and opened it. Inside, a positive pregnancy test fell out. My chest felt like it was collapsing. My throat tightened. Even breathing hurt.
I threw the test into the trash and looked at the fabric in my hand again. It was probably the tiniest piece of clothing I have ever seen. Maybe Clara wore these things when she was an infant, but I never realized they were this small. I didn’t think how my child could be small enough to wear this if they lived to be born.
