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For some reason, Luce took my words as a challenge. Lifting a smaller box, she followed me out of the living room and asked with a touch of a smile in her voice, “Would you be okay if I wanted you to stay celibate for our marriage?”
Was that a trap? It was a bad one. “I don’t think I can be celibate for the rest of my life, but I can be monogamous to you, and if you want time before we are intimate again, I wouldn’t mind waiting.”
Steps behind me came to a stop, so when I put down the box in Luce’s new room, I turned to look at her. She was looking at me with huge eyes. She looked more panicked than surprised, though. “You are kidding.”
“I am not a sex addict, Luce. No need to look at me like that.” I tried hiding my irritation because that usually made her scared, but I didn’t like how alarmed she seemed. I just gave her an honest answer. What was wrong with that?
“Sorry,” Luce mumbled inaudibly, like she was not used to saying it. “It is just… What you said makes this marriage too real.”
“Because it is.”
She folded her arms over her chest protectively and rolled her eyes. “You know it is not actually real.”
“It is real,” I said, my jaw flexing. “You are my wife, Luce, and I already told you what that meant. This is not something fake. It can be different, but it is real. You are my family now. That’s why I didn’t fuck anyone since I fucked you. Is that enough of an answer to your question?”
Without realizing I came closer to her, but she didn’t step back. She actually looked intrigued. “You didn’t?”
“I didn’t,” I repeated. “We didn’t decide on those things, so I didn’t want to assume. I respect my family just like I protect them.” If there was any other reason for my celibacy, I didn’t even confess it to myself.
“I didn’t realize you were taking it too seriously. You are always so foolish.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “Well, thank you. Life is much more fun like that.”
“It must be when you have the privilege to be foolish and still be taken seriously.”
“Not by everyone, apparently. You don’t take me seriously.” I knew her words meant deeper, but jokes were always my way of dealing with things. I wished she could be as free as me too. I realized I could give her a lot of things but never everything. She was always going to live life in a harder mode than I did.
I wished I could change it all. I wanted to make it easier for her. She deserved it.
Like always, Luce didn’t seem amused by my joke. Her expression remained serious. “Are you going to ask me if I slept with someone?”
“It is okay if you did. We didn’t make any promises,” I said, but the words left an unpleasant taste in my mouth. I would not judge her or be mad, but I hated the idea of someone else touching her. She was my wife. I knew open marriages were totally okay, and we could do that if she wanted to, but still, I felt possessive. I had no ownership over her, but it didn’t feel like that deep down.
She was mine.
I didn’t want to share what was mine. I wanted her just for myself.
“I didn’t,” she said honestly, and the dark feeling inside me calmed a bit with her words. “I was not in the same mindset as you, though. It was just not convenient. I didn’t have the opportunity.”
“You would if you had the opportunity, then?” I kept my cool despite the fight going on inside my head.
“Yes.” She looked away quickly. “But I would feel bad after learning you stayed celibate for your respect for me. It was thoughtful of you.”
I shook my head. “It was okay. I didn’t expect you to do anything in return.” Tough, I was glad about it. “However, I also don’t want you to feel bad about such things. We should agree on some rules, really.”
“Yes,” she nodded. “I want everything to be clear. It would make things easier.”
“Let’s carry the boxes, and after that, we can sit down and agree on the rules.”
Luce’s eyes glimmered. “We can agree on what kind of a real marriage this is.”
I couldn’t help but smile. She was unpredictable and a bit weird, but I liked her kind of weird. Our only problem was that the deep dark thing inside me liked her way too much. I was starting to want things I shouldn’t, and it was not good.
I only hoped the rules could help me get over things because what I wanted for real was probably not close to what Luciana wanted. It would leave me weak, and if I ever let myself be weak, I would seriously lose it.
Luciana
After my things were in my new room, Valerio suggested making coffee for us because we did good work. I said yes, even though he did most of the carrying. I was still kind of reluctant to be kind to him. I wanted it but didn’t want to give him an opening just in case.
