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For most of the dinner, my attention was on Elsie. She was the reason I came here anyway. My father was mostly grumpy, and Valerio did a good job at making him stay grumpy. My father only knew how to use misogynistic remarks against him, but Valerio was not impressed. He fucking crushed him.
When the air turned too sour, my mother tried her best to cheer it. I did help her out when she tried because I didn’t want to see her sad. She seemed genuinely happy to see me. I was not my mother’s biggest fan, but in some ways, I understood her situation too.
When Elsie’s eyes started to drop, my mother got on her feet. “I should put Elsie to bed.”
“I’ll do it,” I said quickly.
“Yess!” Elsie jumped despite her sleepy phase. Some kids turned into monsters when they were sleepy, but my sweet girl was always like this. She couldn’t fight her exhaustion. She loved being lazy, and I probably let her do it a lot just to make her happy. Elsie was spoiled.
I kissed her temple. “Do you want to show me how you can wear your own pajamas?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then go change, and I’ll be there in a moment to read you, Peter Pan.”
She nodded like a person on a mission and jumped down from her seat, leaving me with a huge smile on my face. When my attention turned back to the table, I caught Valerio watching me with an affectionate smile. I didn’t smile around him a lot. If he loved my smiles so much, we could just take Elsie back with us. I would always smile for her.
I wished things were just that easy.
The thought overwhelmed me, so I didn’t want to look at his expression anymore. It was dangerous for me. Everything about Valerio was dangerous.
I got up from my seat a little too quickly. “Excuse me.” Then I turned to my mom and gave her a polite smile. “Thank you, mama. The food was delicious.”
My mom beamed at me, but I left too quickly. I didn’t want to look at my father’s face, and more importantly, I didn’t want to look at Valerio’s face. I just wanted to calm down and go be with Elsie. I didn’t have much time anyway.
Quickly I went to the downstairs half-bath. I just needed to wash my face or, more likely, my hands since I had make-up. I just needed a moment alone. I threw myself inside and, without caring for the make-up, washed my face. Thank god I had waterproof mascara.
My life was the most comfortable it had been. I shouldn’t have felt like this. This was supposed to be the easy part, but Valerio was making it worse. He was making this so hard. I also felt kind of like an ungrateful bitch for thinking that, but it was true. Fighting with my heart was the hardest. I didn’t have a good track record about that, and it had never been this intense.
Kira told me to only open my heart to someone deserving, but after everything I had been through, how could I be the person to decide who was deserving? I was too stupid when it came to love. It was best to only love Elsie for the rest of my life.
I wished it was really my choice. I wished I was really an emotionless bitch.
Frustrated tears filled my eyes, but before I could shed a tear, a knock came on the door. I jumped, trying to compose myself, and automatically said, “Occupied.”
“Luce, it is me,” Valerio’s familiar voice came. “Are you okay?”
“I just need a minute.”
“You have been there for a while. Can I come in?”
Normally I would say something offensive and send him away, or I would try to, but his voice sounded actually worried, and I was more vulnerable than usual, so I just unlocked the door.
Valerio stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He looked me up and down with assessing eyes like I could have been hurt since the last time he saw me. “Are you okay?” he repeated.
No one was ever this worried about me, and there was not even a reason to be worried. Why did he have to be so attentive? “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well, you are tense.” He looked away for a second, and his voice softened. “I know you don’t like to appear anything but hard as ice, but it is okay if you are not so well. I know it is hard for you to be in the presence of your father.”
Comically it was the least of my worries. Since I married Valerio, my father didn’t scare me as much anymore. But I knew he was not going to let it go if I kept refusing his words. “It is not easy, but I am managing.”
He smiled. “At least your mother is nice.”
“I guess.”
“I was wondering, though. Is she really nice? Does she know?”
If he was trying to calm me, it was not working because I got even tenser. “Does she know what?”
