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“Loir, if you touch one hair on my dogs, you’re dead. Also, what are you guys working on?”
“Ugh, turns out I am a celebrity and I didn’t even know it! So here I am, pharaoh at the top of the pyramid, guiding all these cute, innocent, little kittens on the right path. Seriously, I feel like a celebrity right now, they are asking me questions left and right and I don’t even have a buzzer!”
“I met Nebty,” chuckled Eden, gloating a bit, “in the flesh.”
She walked up to Dante, giving him a quick kiss before pointing her index finger toward the bathroom. He nodded, already busy taking the ingredients out of the fridge to cook. She was a bit excited to have him cook again and wished she could stay to watch, but she really needed a quick shower first. While rushing there, she listened to Loir’s rant.
“Wait, you met met? Nebty, the Nebty? Our favorite little rival? Ha! Here I go, gloating about how I feel like Louis the Fourteenth in his palace while our Kitty is already meeting all the big names! I knew I shouldn’t have canceled my Scrabble club! Now you’re going to make friends that are actually three-dimensional and smell like a real human!”
“She was nice, though. Aren’t you chatting with her?”
“I am, but I haven’t gotten to shake paws with the... oh, Nebty is a woman? Damn, I’ve been calling her Cheesecake for over an hour, I think. Got to think of something else. What about Choco Pie? I like choco pies more than cheesecake... They have no manners, anyway!”
Eden let him go on with his nonsense for a little while, washing herself quickly. She was so conflicted between the pleasure of a hot shower and the appeal of seeing the Italian Tiger cooking... Eventually, she stepped out of the shower and grabbed a bathrobe while Loir was still talking non-stop in her ear, although she had stopped listening.
“I mean, you can never know these days. Some people are allergic to carrots! Can you imagine? No carrot cake! I like carrot cakes, they are orange! Can you think of something sweet that is orange but not an orange? Carrots! Carrots are great. We should eat more carrots, Eden. Maybe I should launch a carrot pizza. It would make people nicer. Did you know eating carrots makes you more well-mannered? Also, they make your butt orange and your poop pink. Or was it the other way around...”
“Loir, focus.” Eden sighed, walking out with a towel to dry her hair. “How’s the Edge?”
“They’re so cute! I feel like the queen bee, shaking my fingers and making all those cute little ones work for our money, honey! Apparently, I’m the Gandalf of this group! They are asking me tons of questions and making me work on some pretty funny codes. Those newbies are quite good, my Kitty! Of course, they don’t have my style, but some of them really know how to use their booger-pullers and marbles! Well, there are a few of them who are about as useless as a rotten piece of damn celery and try to suck the strawberry by the stem, but...”
“Can you stop with all the food jokes, I’m starving already.”
“Me too! Can you believe they tried to feed me a salad tonight?! A salad! Do I look like a hamster to you?”
“I’d say a weasel, but...”
“Well, they should feed this weasel its pizza! I’m a pizza-eating weasel! I’ll be very understanding and accept risotto as a second option, though, you know. Or even some leftover pasta...”
“The chef only cooks for me, sorry,” smiled Eden, making eye contact with Dante in the kitchen.
“Oh, you bad Kitty! You’re getting all naughty again, aren’t you? I can almost hear you purring all the way from here! I won’t have it! This pharaoh wants his pizza, now!”
“The diva is going to calm down or I’m going to turn you from pharaoh to mummy real quick and tell them to feed you only celery for the rest of your life.”
“You’re so mean to me! Nobody appreciates me! All those little pepperonis are running away as soon as they see me!”
“Start by stopping with your damn remarks and stupid names about their heritage, you creepy sociopath. Have you tried asking nicely, for a start?”
“I gave them cute nicknames! I didn’t even get that personal with my last succulent!”
“Forget the nicknames,” sighed Eden. “Just... ask Jack or Circé. They should still have a mild tolerance to your bullshit...”
“...Who’s Jack?”
“The tall, dark-skinned guy, minus his heels and pink wig?”
“...Wait, what? Isn’t that a lady? ...I complimented her nails three times!”
Eden sighed.
“Good night, Loir. SIN, mute him for four hours.”
Enjoying the silence, Eden sighed in relief and sat on the kitchen counter. Dante wasn’t done cooking, luckily for her, but he had some spare time to step aside and come put a quick kiss on her lips.
“How was the shower?”
“It felt good, but I could have done without the Loir stereo... He’s exhausting when he starts. It’s a miracle no one’s shot him down yet.”
