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“Jamie?”
“Yes. Jamie from Sawyer High. From the football team.”
“Oh! Jamie! Yeah. Sorry. Oh my god, how are you doing?”
“I’m doing good, Seth. Look. Sorry to bother you, but I need your help with something.”
“Yeah, man. Sure. Hey, sorry you couldn’t make the wedding.”
“Me too. So, hey. Did you know a girl named Lara from school?” I ask.
“Lara… I don’t know. I’m not sure,” Seth answers.
“Lara Dieckling,” I continue.
“Oh! Yes! Lara! Dieckling.Ugly Dickling.Lara Dick-Licker. Of course. Why?” Seth exclaims.
“What do you mean, ‘of course’? Who was she?”
"Chubby girl. Braces. More acne than sand on a beach. Big tits, too, though, I think. Yeah… We were not very nice to her. Why are you suddenly thinking about her now?" Seth asks.
“I’m not… sure… I mean… I’m not sure it’s her.”
“What do you mean, Jamie? You lost me.”
“Mark said something about ugly fuckling, but I may have gotten the girl’s name wrong. Hey. Thanks, man. I owe you one. I can’t explain it right now, but I’ll call you when I figure it out.”
“No problem, buddy,” Seth says. “Sorry, I really couldn’t be much help.”
“It’s okay. Thanks. Bye, Seth. Have a great night.” I hit theENDbutton on my phone.
Jamie
My plan for the trip was to stay at some podunk motel on the way to the beach, but my mind is alert, and by midnight, I'm not even tired. So, I keep driving. It's not even like I have much on my mind, other than trying to figure out what Lara was talking about when she made that accusation at the club. And Seth was definitely not talking about her when he mentioned the ugly duckling. But Mark, too. He said something similar.
As the monotony of the dark highway continues, my mind tires of theugly fucklingpuzzle. It goes quiet again, and a loneliness forms inside me, taking up the space previously occupied by my thoughts. It's an emptiness. A smallness exaggerated by my surroundings. As my car hugs the curves of the highway heading East, the motionless stars above contradict the roar of the road beneath. The smell of salt in the air reminds me of where I’m going, and my melancholy grows with every mile.
The only grief that has ever impacted me so deeply is that of losing somebody close to me. And yet, I’ve always been afraid to stop and truly grieve the ones I lose, for fear I might never pick myself back up. So, I clear my mind of those thoughts as well, to avoid their pain.
But around four AM, I can’t fight the agonizing feelings anymore.
Lara’s laughter in my ears, the taste of her lips on mine, the safety and comfort I feel in her arms. Why the fuck do I miss her? Is it possible to hate and love someone so much at the same time? Is it possible to grieve someone who is still alive?
I count the stars for the rest of the drive, determined to fill my mind with something other than the memories of her I wish I didn’t have.
I arrive in Destin around dawn, and although I look like shit and I’m totally exhausted, I decide to go straight to the beach. Nobody will be there to see me at this time of day, so I don’t care.
I park the car on the street in front of a line of houses next to the beach access ramp and leave my shoes inside. The salty air and the sound of crashing waves fills me with a familiar sense of calm. Sitting in the sand, the warm water laps at my feet and although forgetting Lara will be a painful process, my heart lightens a bit as I look out to the Gulf.
As the sun peaks over the horizon, the striations of orange and pink meld to form a sorbet of sunlight that fills me with a fresh perspective.
People may be deceitful, but Mother Nature never lies.
Jamie
"Jamie?"
My eyes blink open and the harsh glare of the Florida sunrise blinds me. What time is it?
