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Chapter one
Tom
“ArchieMilliganSettoBe a Lion”; “Milligan Pride!”; “Milligan Makes a Move!”; “Croydon FC Scores Milligan Goal!”
I scroll through my phone as I wait in the Sky Sports green room, reading headline after headline about Archie fucking Milligan. I scored a hat-trick last night, and yet the only thing you find when Googling ‘Croydon Pride FC’ is the news about the club signing this flashy nineteen-year-old who hasn’t even started in a game yet. Okay, fine, so it was only a pre-season match; but it’s not as though hat-tricks just grow on trees. And let’s face it, the only reason people are going so crazy about the signing is because Milligan is the first out player in the EPL. I mean, good luck to the bloke, but why don’t we let him prove himself on the pitch before declaring him the next Harry Kane?
“They’re ready for you, Tom.”
I glance up from my phone to see one of theSportsdayproducers has ducked her head into the green room.?
“Thanks.” I get to my feet and slip my phone back into my pocket, following after her as she leads me to the studio.?
I quickly shake hands with the three hosts—Sanjay Gala, Justin Reade, and Mike Weber. Then I take a seat and let the producer fit me with a mic.
“All good, mate?” Justin, who’s seated right next to me, asks.?
I nod. “All good.”
We get the signal that we’re about to go on air and then the camera points to Sanjay.
“Welcome back toSportsday,”he says with a jovial smile. “And as promised, joining us in the studio today, one of the absolute legends of the game—Tom ‘The Tank Engine’ Whitford.”
I give an obligatory wave and smile to the camera following Sanjay’s introduction, but I can’t help grating at the title ‘Legend of the Game’. I know it’s supposed to be a compliment, but to me it just feels like a synonym for ‘dinosaur’.
As though reading my mind, Justin pipes in to remind everyone just how old I am. “I’ve got to say it’s incredibly impressive that you’re still running around out there, mate,” he says to me, before turning his attention to Sanjay. “You know this guy’s been around so long that the children’s show his nickname comes from has changed its name?”
“Seriously?” Sanjay asks curiously. “What’s it called now?”
“Thomas and Friends.”
“How very inclusive,” Sanjay comments with a chuckle.
“Not just the name,” Mike says. “They’ve changed the theme song too.”
“Doesn’t stop the Croydon fans from singing the old one every time this bloke gets the ball, though,” Justin comments.
“I think it would be considered a scat seeing as there aren’t any words,” Mike corrects.
Justin sighs. “I think everyone knew what I meant, Mikey.”
“Does Ringo still do the voices?” Sanjay asks.
I roll my eyes. Did I seriously get asked onto this show so the hosts could waffle on about Thomas the fucking Tank Engine?
“Maybe we should move onto football,” Mike suggests.Fucking finally.“Big news at Croydon, boys,” he says, swivelling his head back and forth between his two co-hosts. “Archie Milligan’s been signed to the team last night. He’ll be here for a chat with Billy and Tim onThe Football Show,coming up next. But right now, I’d like to hear Tom’s thoughts on the new acquisition.”
?All three of them turn their attention to me and I feel a bit like a deer caught in headlights. Bloody hell. Archie Milligan is definitely not what I want to be discussing this morning. Knowing I’m not going to be able to get away without offeringsomething, I give a casual shrug. “He’s a great player.”
“Come on, mate,” Sanjay says, “we need more than that. First openly gay player in the Premier League, and only the second professional footballer in England to come out. Now he wants to make his home at Pride FC after a shock departure from Lancaster United. You’ve got to have some thoughts on that.”
I offer a wry smirk. “Is he gay? I hadn’t heard that.”
I have a feeling I’m going to get in trouble for that remark later, but right now it feels worth it. It’s not as though I don’t understand why the media is making such a big deal about Milligan being out, but that’s not the reason I came on this programme.
Fortunately, we don’t spend too much more time discussing Archie Milligan. I have to wonder if the producers have been in the hosts’ ears to remind them, he’ll be on the programme coming up after this one and not to waste all the good questions on me. But, of course, once the discussion on Milligan ends, we’re back onto the topic of me being a dinosaur. Fucking brilliant.
“So, I’m sure every Croydon fan—and football fans in general, really—are all dying to know just how long you plan to keep going on for,” Mike says. “You’ve been in the game for more than twenty years now—how much longer can you keep it up?”
