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I sing the chorus part of “My Girl.” I kiss her neck and the top of her head as she drifts off to sleep.
Chapter 19-Sadie
It’s been two months since the attack.
After the funeral, I sat with Mom and told her about Jo’s funeral. Mom hasn’t improved much. The doctors discussed the possibility of taking Mom off life support, but Abuela was adamant that she would wake up.
I’ve never felt so lost, even after Josiah died.
Donnie never gave up on me. Like he promised, he fought for me, bringing me back to life. I’ve kept myself busy by taking care of my little girl, spending time with Tia, and taking online classes. My therapist decided it was best if I finished the last semester of high school online. I didn’t protest because I couldn’t handle going back to school. Seb and the gang visit me as often as they can, but they miss seeing me around the halls.
“Sadie, I think it’s important to discuss what happened in the warehouse,” Doctor Juanes interrupts my thoughts. I’ve been sitting in Dr. Juanes’s office for the last twenty minutes. I’m all tired out and have no energy to talk about my feelings.
“I really don’t want to.”
“How can you move forward if you don’t process the event?” Her voice is low and calm.
“What good would it do to talk about the worst thing that has ever happened to me? To relive those two weeks over again?”
I never told anyone what happened to me when Frankie was on top of me. The doctor told me I wasn’t raped, but there were signs of sexual assault.
Doctor Juanes leans back in her chair and slides her glasses over the top of her head. She sets the notepad and pen on her lap and says, “You have experienced multiple stressful and traumatic events. If you don’t process your emotions, it will have a negative impact on your life as you try to move forward. We can find coping strategies to help you manage your stressors and mental state.”
I glance toward the window and watch the birds fly above the maple trees and land on the windowsill. Lost in my own thoughts, I’m waiting for the hour to go by when Doctor Juanes speaks again.
“Sadie, you lost your brother, your father, and your mother is in a coma and it’s all happened in a short period of time. You have a daughter to think about. She needs you to be strong so you can move past the emotional and physical scars. If you continue to suppress these emotions, your mental state will impact those around you, including your daughter. You must face your fears to find happiness in the future.”
I wipe the tears from my face and take in her words. I know she’s right, but how can I get rid of the images that flash through my mind every time I close my eyes? I’m afraid to fall asleep. I’m afraid to wake up, knowing that it wasn’t a dream. What happened to me, to Tia, to Mom, and Josiah…
“Those images will never go away, but you can find the skills to help you compartmentalize the memories.”
I didn’t realize I spoke aloud.
Taking a deep breath, I tell her, “I was beaten, demoralized, starved, and had new scarsaddedto my body’s collection. I thought I lost my daughter. My world stopped. I wanted to die. I had nothing left because everyone I loved was taken from me or hurt because ofme.”
“Why do you think it was your fault?”
“Because…because if I was never involved with Christian, none of this would’ve happened.”
“You couldn’t predict that would happen. This isn’t your fault.”
“Yeah, well…” I shift uncomfortably in my seat.
“Let’s talk about your current relationships. How is Donovan?”
Dr. Juanes knows about my past with Donnie, and how we found each other again.
“It’s good.”
It’s more than good.
Donnie has been my saving angel. He makes me feel safe and loved. For the first few weeks after I was discharged from the hospital, he took care of me and made me feel loved and wanted. He’s been there for every nightmare, every tear I shed, and every time I felt pain. He never leaves my side.
“By the smile on your face, I take it that it’s going really well.” She grins.
“That’s one step to healing. Building and keeping healthy relationships will help you find your way back. You’re heading in the right direction.”
Maybe she’s right, but part of me fears things are going too well; I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
