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He was so close I could feel the heat coming off of him. I couldn’t help letting my hands reach out to wrap around his biceps. He stiffened and sucked in his breath, but he didn’t flinch away. “Please listen.” I let my forehead rest on his back between his shoulder blades. “Please,” I almost whispered. It felt so good to touch him.
He stepped forward and twisted out of my embrace, turning to face me as he moved away from the window and back into the center of the room. “I’m not ready. And, for what? What will it change? Not one fucking thing.”
There were tears in his eyes, but they didn’t fall. He was stronger than I was. “I guess, I just want to be completely honest with you.”
He huffed out an angry, tearful laugh. “Yeah? Well, I want to rewind the goddammed world! I want my girl to believe that I was man enough to take care of her. I want to wipe my memory clean of thoughts of you and Jensen screwing, and I want to be able to raise my kid!” It wasn’t quite a shout, but I flinched as if he’d slapped me, and I lifted the back of my right hand up in front of my mouth, trying desperately not to full-on lose it. “When do I get what I want? What horrible thing did I do to you to deserve any of this?”
I stumbled, the back of my knees coming into contact with one of the couches and I sank down on to it, burying my face in my hands as I cried. “Nothing!” My heart was breaking. My body curled over my lap as I sat there softly sobbing. “Nuh—uthing.”
For maybe a full minute I cried and Chase was silent. I felt rather than saw him sit down next to me. “Teagan, I’m sorry. I should have more control. We can’t let ourselves get sucked into old emotions. It doesn’t help any of us. Anyway, they aren’t real. You’re just remembering how it was between us.”
My head came up and I looked at him with tearful eyes. He was so close I could feel the heat coming off of him, and I wanted nothing more than to reach out and lay my hand on his. I wasn’t sure if the heart I could hear beating was mine, or his, but the connection was still tangible between us and I wanted to make it physical. I needed to make him understand because I couldn’t stand the pain in his eyes. “Don’t say that. There hasn’t been one day that I haven’t thought about you and missed you. I made the biggest mistake of my life and I’ve hated myself for it.”
He shook his head sadly. “Teagan, there is nothing either of us can do to change the past. I’m not going to lie that this whole thing hasn’t turned my life upside down, but I can’t deal with it now. Right now, I have to focus on Remi. I want to spend as much time with her as I can.” His hand came out and wrapped around mine, and his touch was like rain in the desert.
What I really craved was to melt into his arms, but I’d take even the smallest touch as a sign of truce. I nodded and wiped at the tears on my face with both hands and tried to offer a tumultuous smile, fighting hard against my feelings. So much had changed, and yet, so much remained the same. “I understand.”
We both stood up together and headed out of the room and into the hallway to make our way back down to Remi’s room.
“I wish we could go somewhere with her. It’s such a nice day out.”
“I was thinking that before. She loves the zoo and today would be perfect.” Remi’s door was cracked and we could hear her singing with the nurse. I smiled brightly at the sound. “She seems to have more energy today. I’ll go speak to the nurses and have them call the doctors to see what’s possible.”
“We can get a stroller or I can carry her if they’ll let us take her out for a while.” His head cocked toward the door. “I’m going in.”
I nodded again and went to speak to the day nurse and, after a brief conversation, was assured she would page Dr. Radar and the hospitalist to see what would be allowed. It would depend on when Chase’s remaining tests would be scheduled.”
“I’ll have Dr. Radar paged, but then we have to ask the hospitalist, too.” Reassured, I went into the room, anxious to see Remi with Chase. He was sitting on the chair he had pulled up close to the bed and she was propped up, the head of her bed raised. She was giggling at something he had said, and he was completely focused on her.
Dora the Explorer was playing on the television so I couldn’t hear what they were talking about when I first walked in, but it was clear they were completely absorbed in each other. My heart was so grateful their connection was instant and so profound.
“Hey, you,” I said when I walked in. “What am I interrupting?”
“Hi, Mommy!” She held up her arms for a hug. I went to her and leaned down to kiss her forehead and brush her hair back before I hugged her little body tight.
“I missed you, pumpkin. You look bright-eyed today!” She seemed healthier just having Chase next to her. I knew it wasn’t possible his presence alone would make a physical change, but Remi was happy, and that soothed my heart.
“Daddy said I’m a princess, and when I’m better he’ll take me to see some real castles in England!”
“Ooh, that would be fun. We better concentrate extra hard on getting you out of here, then, hmmm?” I glanced at Chase and he was watching me as I sat next to Remi on the bed. The close quarters of the room and the fact we both wanted to be near our daughter kept us all in a tight little group. “Did you eat breakfast, yet?”
She shook her head. “The pancakes were really yucky.”
I knew my daughter and I looked at her sternly. “Oh, Remi. What is Mommy gonna do with you?”
“They were soggy and cold.”
Chase rolled his eyes. “I don’t how they expect kids to eat that shi—” I flashed him a warning look with a raised eyebrow. “Uh, crap?” He smiled, as he caught himself from swearing. “I know I couldn’t!”
“Daddy could get me some donuts,” Remi suggested with a giggle.
“Oh, no you don’t, missy. Just because Daddy ran out yesterday, let’s not make it a habit. He might have things to do at the hospital. For a while, anyway.”
“I don’t mind, Teagan.”
“I know, but I can run down and grab something from the cafeteria for her. I just spoke to the nurse and she’s calling the doctors.”
Remi’s little brow dropped into a frown, and she directed a question at Chase. “Why do you have to be in the hospital? Are you sick, too?”
