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She nodded, her eyes sad. “I never thought I’d see you with someone else.”
I swallowed and leaned my head back against the wall, closing my eyes. “I know the feeling. I’m sorry Bronwyn is here. I didn’t know how to stop her, and I just wasn’t up for a fight after what happened with Remi earlier.”
“I understand. She has a right to be here with you, Chase. I have no right to feel hurt.”
“Do you feel hurt?” Damn it! I hated myself for asking, but a huge part of me needed to know. It wasn’t as if I wanted to punish her. At least, I didn’t think I did… but I had to know.
Teagan nodded. “It’s so bad, I can barely breathe.”
I inhaled until my lungs were at capacity and then let it out with a heavy sigh. “How did things get so fucked up?”
Her glistening eyes implored me to understand, to love her, to take the pain away and there was nothing I wanted more. Except to save Remi.
“It’s complicated. You left and my dad—”
The door to Remi’s room opened and two nurses dressed up in yellow emerged, pulling off their masks and gloves. “Remi is sleeping. She’s on a strong course of antibiotics and we’re giving her prescription strength Tylenol to help with her fever. All we can really do is watch her, keep her comfortable, and wait… for now.”
“Will she wake up soon?” I asked, impatiently. I hadn’t been able to talk to her or hold her since before I went to Brazil, and more than anything, I just wanted her to know I was here.
“We’ve given her a mild pain medication and it will also act as a sedative. She will feel quite sore from the CPR for a few days. We don’t want her getting anxious, so the doctors will probably be decreasing the dosage little by little as she heals. As you know, leukemia patients bruise easily and her chest is black and blue. It may scare her if she sees it, so let’s work together to try not to let her see her chest for a few days until it starts to turn yellow. Our first priority is getting her fever down and ridding her of the infection.”
As I listened, a sick feeling welled up in my throat. It was so much for someone so innocent and small. All I could do was nod. “I understand.”
“Do they know what’s causing the infection?” Teagan questioned.
“Not yet, I’m sorry. The doctors are ordering a battery of tests.”
“Can we see her?” I was anxious to get in there.
“Yes, but it’s best to keep it short.” She opened a cupboard that was just outside Remi’s room, reached in and pulled out one of the yellow gowns. It was folded, but I knew from the color what it was. “You’ll have to wear this,” she handed it to me, and then one of the masks. “The gloves are in the box on the counter by the sink just inside the room. They must be worn at all times.”
I took it and began to unfold it. It had a hole for my head that had a flap that covered half of my back and I shoved my arms into the sleeves. Automatically, Teagan began tying up the back as I lopped the loops of string designed to hold my mask in place over my ears. Instantly I was confronted with my own breath rushing hotly into the mask.
The inside of the room was dark with just one low glow of light coming from a fixture close to the ceiling. Remi was hooked up to monitors that measured her pulse, breathing, and oxygen level. There was a steady beeping coming from it that coincided with the blip on the screen. She was sleeping on her back in the middle of the bed, covered up to her neck in a white cotton blanket.
Teagan had pulled her mask back up into place and went to the opposite side of the bed. “Mommy is here, baby.” She stroked back Remi’s fine dark hair with her gloved hand.
I knelt down so I could be close to my daughter and laid an arm across her, laying my other in an arc on the pillow over her head. I could feel the heat radiating from her. “She’s still so hot.”
“They’ll get the fever down. One other time they had to use ice. It was awful watching her shiver and cry, but knowing she had to go through it.” Teagan’s voice shook. “At least now she’s sedated, so she might not realize it.”
“Jesus Christ.” The words ripped from me as emotion threatened to choke me. “She’s so little to have to go through this. I’d give anything if I could go through it for her.”
Teagan’s hand reached out for mine on the pillow. “I’m glad you’re here.”
I couldn’t help the tears that fell onto my cheeks. “I’m not going anywhere. I told my coaches and the team manager that I’m taking leave indefinitely.” My eyes met Teagan’s in the low light and she nodded her understanding.
I leaned in closer so I could lean my head against Remi’s and my arm tightened slightly so I could pull her closer. It was the best I could do to hug her in her prone position. “Remi.” My voice was soft but urgent. I wanted her to know I was with her. “Daddy is here and I won’t leave you, ever again, I promise.”
Teagan reached out and laid her arm over mine, so we were both holding our daughter. Her hand squeezed my shoulder and I looked up at her again. “I never thought I could love anyone as much as I loved you.”
“The world changes when you become a parent; your focus shifts.”
“Mommy?” Remi’s eyes fluttered, and her voice was hoarse and laced with sleep. “I’m thirsty” Her little face crumpled in a whimper when she tried to move. Her little hand raised to her chest. “It hurts.”
“I know. Try not to touch your chest, okay, sweet pea? I’ll get you some water and then you can go back to sleep. Look who’s here.” Teagan pointed to me before she stood and went out of the room, I presumed to ask a nurse to bring Remi a drink.
Remi’s little eyes looked at me and she tried to smile. “I saw you on the TV, Daddy.” Hearing her address me as Daddy with so much ease was the blessing in this whole mess.
