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“It hurt too much and as I said, I was scared of hearing you say it was over between us. I knew I wouldn’t be able to take it, and I had to think of the baby. I waited almost until she was born to marry Jensen… waited for you, but you never came after me.”
I looked down at the woman I loved more than my own life and realized that the intense debilitating pain that I was experiencing myself, was smeared all over her, too.
“Yes, I did!” It came out in a hiss. “I came back that first Christmas, but you were already with Jensen and I lost my shit. I had a fucking nervous breakdown in front of my family. Kevin kept me from coming to you and making a complete fool of myself, but I got so drunk I almost killed myself from alcohol poisoning!”
“Oh, Chase. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”
She was crying softly against me and I had to hold her. I was pissed; at Teagan, at Bronwyn and Jensen, at myself, and yet, I loved her more than ever. The undeniable bond between us demanded I go to her and I pull her close into a tight embrace or we’d both only suffer more.
Teagan was a good head shorter than me, so to bring her as close as I could, I lifted her off the floor into my embrace with her feet dangling off the floor. As hurt as I was, I’d already reconciled that I needed her and we’d have to put all of this shit behind us, one way or another. “Hush. It’s over now.”
Teagan’s head fell so that her forehead was on my shoulder and she sobbed harder. “I’m so sorry. You’re the last person I ever wuh—wanted to hurt.”
“Me, too.” I kissed the side of her face, tasting her salty tears on my lips, my own heart breaking. “We were both idiots, but it’s over now.”
I bent to put one arm under her knees, lifting Teagan bridal style so I was able to move to the couch. I sat and situated her easily onto my lap. She curled into me and I wrapped my arms around her. I knew I loved her and I’d admitted it to myself, and to Bronwyn, that I wanted Teagan in my life. “Here’s the thing; I love you, so I can be stubborn and try to hate you, and lose you all over again, or we can figure this shit out.”
Teagan slid her arm up around my chest and hugged me. “Oh, Chase,” she said tearfully.
“Even when I wanted to hate you, I couldn’t. It’s like the most painful, damning, amazing and beautiful fucking thing on earth.”
“I know. It’s the same for me,” her tear-laced voice was soft and trembling.
“But, it’s still wrong to be together. I convinced myself that being with you wasn’t wrong; that it wasn’t cheating because you are the love of my life, but the fact is, you’re married and I don’t want to sneak around. It’s killing me to say it out loud, but as long as you’re with Jensen, we have to stop this.”
Teagan pulled back to look into my face. She laid a hand on my cheek. “We already talked about being a real family. I thought it was understood that I’d leave Jensen.”
“You never said it, for sure.”
“Chase, you need to know that Jensen and I were going to get divorced three years ago, but then Remi got sick and everything went off the rails. I had to quit my job and he stayed with me because we needed to keep her on his insurance, but we knew it wasn’t right between us.”
“He loves you. It’s written all over him.”
“He does, but I’ve never lied to him about how I feel about you. I tried, but I couldn’t pretend I had feelings for him that didn’t exist… Worse, I couldn’t pretend I didn’t have feelings for you. I told him I wouldn’t marry him unless we could always be honest and that included telling Remi the truth as soon as she could understand.”
I sat back and pulled her with me. My anger calmed with a couple of deep breaths as I considered what she’d said. I wanted to believe it because it would end the torturous acid eating away at my heart and soul for years. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead against the warmth of Teagan’s temple.
“Remi is the saving grace in all of this. The one thing that makes it possible for me to even deal with this at all is that you told her about me. Having her know about me; saved us, Teagan. Walking in to meet her and having her know who I was, was the most amazing gift.”
Teagan’s arms tightened around me and she kissed the skin beneath my ear; her hands softly stroking the back of my head and the skin on my forearm that was draped over her knees. “There was no way I could keep it from her. I was bursting with it, and I prayed for the day you’d know her. Finally being able to tell you everything is a relief. For me, having you know, finally, is the gift, Chase.”
TEAGAN
The next day, Remi was doing much better.
She was awake and Dr. Radar scheduled the transplant for the next day. Chase decided to go back to South Carolina on a day trip to see his parents after his dad called and asked him about an upcoming game and he had no choice but to admit he was in Atlanta.
Chase didn’t want to lie to his parents about Remi. Given that Kat knew, he felt it would be better for Remi if everyone knew the truth and she was able to meet his family. She deserved her family, and I couldn’t argue.
I was concerned that his family would have a deep-seated hatred for me after finding out I’d kept Remi a secret, but no doubt, they’d be hurt by the deceit; especially hiding her existence from Chase for all this time. I understood his need to tell them, but I was apprehensive. I could only pray that any hostility they might have for me wouldn’t be exhibited in front of my daughter. I wondered how Roma would feel finding out Remi was named for her.
My mother died when I was young and I no longer had a relationship with my father, so my little girl had no grandparents on my side. Jensen’s parents adored her, but Chase was close with his family, and I had no doubt they would all embrace Remi.
I was sitting next to Remi, with one of her favorite books; the Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss. I was still enrobed in the hated paper gown, mask, and gloves, but happily reading her the rhyming story. She’s had a good breakfast of, fittingly, scrambled eggs, ham, and toast, and was anxiously waiting for Chase to arrive. We both spent the night in this room, me on the cot and Chase in the recliner in the corner, but he’d only complained about the mask three times in eight hours. I left early to shower and when I arrived back at the hospital, Chase told me about his decision to go to Greenville.
Chase and I agreed that we’d talk to her about the transplant together. Jensen would have been included but he wasn’t scheduled back until late evening, and she would no doubt be sleeping. I’d spoken to him on the phone earlier and he agreed, she needed to be prepared. He was glad that Remi had a chance to get better; elated like the rest of us… but I knew he was still worried he’d be cut out of Remi’s life, despite my reassurances. I doubted he’d believe it until he heard it from Chase.
“Mommy?” Remi asked as I closed the book and laid it aside.
