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I was nervous; my stomach was in knots.
The bar and grill was crawling with college students despite the fact that there hadn’t been a game. It was better; finals week was over, and this was the last weekend many of the students would be on campus before leaving for the summer.
I wondered if I should have chosen another location for this important talk. This was one of the local hangouts for the Clemson crowd and one of the first places that Dylan and I frequented after we came to South Carolina last summer. At the time, I had such high hopes and happy expectations, now I was just sad.
I fiddled with my napkin under the table and stared straight ahead. My glass of Diet Pepsi blurred as my eyes lost their focus. They stung and I blinked, willing myself not to full on bawl my eyes out. I couldn’t let myself cry or Dylan wouldn’t buy what I was about to tell him.
Right after Christmas, I’d made the decision to transfer to the University of Tennessee. The holiday had been miserable for me because Dylan had surprised us all by inviting his new girlfriend to Atlanta but didn’t give any advance warning. I’d tried to put on a brave face, but both my mom and Missy could read me like a book. Dylan usually could too, but he was too wrapped up in his latest groupie.
I flushed. Such thoughts weren’t fair of me, and I knew it.
Dylan became a star on the soccer field when the coaches started him as a freshman the first game of the season. It was unheard of and after that everyone wanted to know him.The men wanted to be his friend and the women wanted to date him. I tried to stay relevant in his life, and honestly, he tried to include me, but I always seemed to end up in the background, and after years of being inseparable, it hurt to be… well… separate. It was a physical pain that I didn’t know how to deal with.
It wasn’t the girl’s fault that her presence ruined my Christmas. It wasn’t her fault that her constant giggling and asking me a million questions about Dylan whenever she could corner me grated on my nerves.
I took a deep breath, remembering how disappointed I was that all the stuff we did as a family felt invaded by her presence. I almost gagged watching Dylan as he fawned all over her, and I found myself retreating to my room, turning on the music and wishing the time of year that normally, I loved the most, would hurry and get the hell over with.
It was on one of these occasions that I’d decided I couldn’t take another three and half years of the same and made the decision to transfer out of Clemson. The decision broke my heart because I didn’t want to leave Dylan. I didn’t want to miss out on his games… but I felt isolated and alone. At least in Tennessee my mind would be distracted from missing him. I hoped it would, anyway.
My mother followed me to my room on New Year’s Eve when Dylan was out with what’s her name and I’d been packing to go back to campus. She knocked softly.
“Come in,” I said, putting three pairs of jeans into my suitcase.
My mother poked her head into my room. “Can we talk, honey?”
I nodded, knowing she could tell when something was bugging me. “Sure,” I said as she came in and sat down on my bed. “What’s up?”
She always looked so beautiful and serene. She and my dad were so happy together and surely that was the reason, but now, I also saw the shadow of concern flit across her features.
“That’s what I was going to ask you.”
I stopped what I was doing and looked at her. My right shoulder lifted in a half-shrug. “I’ve just been thinking… maybe I should have just gone to Tennessee for undergrad. They wanted me, too. Maybe if I transfer now, I can volunteer at St. Jude this summer.”
My mother looked concerned, a small crease appearing between her finely manicured brows. “Is that what you really want? I thought you and Dylan wanted to spend these four years together. It’s the last time you really get to be kids.”
“Yeah, that was the plan, but I thought it would help me decide between medical school at U of T and the grad program at St. Jude.” My explanation sounded logical, but it was only part of the story. If I wanted, I could go to Memphis and volunteer at St. Jude every summer, without transferring undergrad. I realized my mother knew this by her expression, but she didn’t mention it directly.
“What does Dylan think about you leaving?” she asked knowingly.
That was the question, wasn’t it? I doubted he’d even notice I was missing from campus.
“I haven’t told him yet. It’s my decision, not his. It won’t affect him and he’s so busy anyway.” I threw more clothes haphazardly into the open suitcase next to my mother.
“I remember how busy your dad was with soccer, hon. Dylan is just getting acclimated. Things will settle down.”
I could feel my throat get tight as I sank to the floor at her feet and leaned my back on the edge of the bed. My hand came up to my mouth. I was about to crack open, and I felt humiliated, even in front of my own mother. The stress of keeping all my feelings on lockdown was starting to wear on me.
“He doesn’t have time for me.” A small sob broke from my chest and my mother slid off my bed to take me in her arms. I started to cry hard as she stroked my hair and I collapsed into her. “It’s so hard to miss him when he’s so close. And now, he’s got all of these girls hanging all over him, and so many social obligations… I feel invisible and ugly.” My heartbreak poured out unabashed. My mother was the one person I’d told how I really felt about Dylan.
“Oh, Remi… you are anything but ugly. Have you told him how you feel? Maybe that’s all it would take.”
I shook my head and pulled back, wiping my runny nose on the back of my hand. “How can I? With his glamour babes around all the time… he doesn’t even know I’m alive. He’s turned into a big jerk!”
“That’s not true, Remi. Dylan loves you, I’m sure of it.”
My face crumpled again as more sobs started. “Not the way I want him to love me, Mom! I know it was just me being young and stupid when I said I was his damsel, but I really believed we’d end up together. My heart wanted to believe it.”
“Oh, my beautiful girl,” my mother soothed and gathered me close again. I could hear pain in her voice and feel her sigh against me. I knew she understood how I felt.
