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Alan nodded. “Sure,” he said, but kept his eyes on screen as he continued to eat. “What is it?”
“Well, the reason I have been spending more time at the hospital is because there is a new patient who has the same kind of leukemia that I had,” I began.
Alan paused long enough to look at me, before taking another bite. “There are a lot of patients that will have A.L.L throughout your career. You can’t let yourself get attached to them all.”
I swallowed the food in my mouth and placed my fork on my plate. His compassion was astounding. I was aghast. “She’s not even three and her mother just dumped her at the ER over at Le Bonheur, then she was transferred to St. Jude in an ambulance. She’s scared to death.”
“At least the mother knew to take her to a children’s hospital,” he said. His tone was pragmatic and it’s what I should have expected. Alan was intellectual, not emotional. “She’s getting the best care in the world.; be satisfied with that. You can’t get attached,” he said again.
I stiffened and turned, scooting my butt a little to increase the distance between us. “Can you have a little compassion?” Anger was flaring inside me. “I’ve been through it and at that same age. I think I have a better handle on what she’s suffering,” I said hotly.
Alan seemed bewildered by my jolt of emotion. “I’m sure, but this is not you, Remi. If you want to help many children, you can’t focus all your attention on one. I’m just stating the facts. You should be glad she even got to the hospital. Her mother could have OD’d, and the poor kid might have died. Be happy she knew enough to bring her in.”
He kept eating, his eyes trained on the television and his tone so blasé. It made me more infuriated. “Well, I think that a good doctor empathizes with his or her patients, Alan, and I can empathize particularly well with Rory.”
Alan reached for my hand and tried to pull me closer. “Remi, calm down. You’ve got a lot on your plate already, but what do you want me to say?”
I had to force myself to leave my hand in his. “I want you to say you’ll help me,” I said simply.
He frowned and his face twisted. “Help you? How? I’m taking a full boat of classes, and I’m lobbying to become one of my professor’s TA next year. I have no time to volunteer. My focus is on the big picture, and it should be yours, too.”
I was frustrated at his statement. He was so cerebral; he couldn’t see how this affected me or what I really needed. “The big picture is that this little girl needs help. I’m not asking you to volunteer, Alan,” I said with a measure of disgust. “But after her treatment, she won’t have anywhere to go and I’m hoping to help in some way.”
His eyes widened, and he finally pushed his plate away. “Whoa! What do you mean exactly? Are you thinking of taking her in? What are you asking of me?”
“Nothing!” I almost shouted. “Maybe be a human being! How about that?”
My hands pushed firmly against the table edge, so it scooted away from the couch; I got up and stormed into the kitchen after picking up the plates; mine still full of food. I pulled out the lower cabinet drawer that housed the trashcan and began scraping everything into the trash as quickly as I could and stacked the plates in the sink.
Alan followed me into the kitchen at a much slower pace. “A human being? I’m going to be a cardiac surgeon. I’m going to save countless lives. But I’m not to going take on someone else’s kid, no matter what her situation is.” His tone was unassuming, and he leaned against the counter as he watched me make another trip into the living room to get the food containers. They weren’t empty, but I unceremoniously dropped them into the can and pushed it back under the counter, closing the cupboard door. “You’re not able to do that, either Remi. You’re only twenty-two years old.”
My head fell back, and I inhaled a long, slow breath. He made me even more agitated.
“I’m trying to take care of another person. I’m not just thinking about myself!”
Alan crossed his arms across his chest. “Okay, so tell me. What’s your solution to this little girl’s problems, Remi? Enlighten me.”
I looked at him, stunned. Sometimes he acted like he was a hundred years old. He was twenty-four, but where was his emotion? “I don’t know! I hoped to talk to you about it and brainstorm solutions, but you act so dismissive, I can’t stand it.”
I finished rinsing the dishes but left them in the sink. Alan came to stand behind me and slid his arms around my waist attempting to comfort me. He kissed the back of my head, but I felt like a caged animal.
“Okay, I’ll think about it. What are your ideas?” His voice turned softer and more seductive.
I slid out of his arms and away from him; moving back into the living room and hovered beside the sofa. He had obviously already dumped on me enough to keep my mouth shut about fostering. “Find her mother; I don’t know.” I searched for more words in my embarrassment and humiliation that he’d be able to understand.
Alan’s presence suddenly made me feel claustrophobic. He looked at me like a parent who is scolding a child; so condescending and he actually huffed. “Call social services. That’s their job. You have enough going on.”
Exasperation bubbled up inside me. “Do you think I haven’t thought of all that shit already?” I spat. “I’ve spoken to the social worker on her case when he was in her room. I’ve considered her mother might be a drug addict, alcoholic or may have a mental health issue. I don’t know what to do, but all I know is that I want to help her.”
“This isn’t your problem, Remi. You can’t take on every orphan in the universe.”
His words utterly pissed me off and, in that moment, I couldn’t stand the sight of him. I put a hand to my head, which suddenly ached. I was tired of arguing or trying to justify my position to someone who obviously didn’t care. “Look, I’m tired,” I said, hoping he’d take the hint.
“I know you are. Let’s talk about this tomorrow when your mind is clearer. Come on, let’s sit down and watch TV. Let me give you that back rub.”
The thought of it made me cringe. I used both hands to push back my hair, even though it was already scraped off my face. “Um…”
Miraculously my phone began to ring in the bathroom. I’d forgotten to grab it after I’d been listening to music from it during my bath. Instantly, I recognized the ringtone.
