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I hear crying in the distance, I open my eyes to see Mikael collapsing. His relatives who attended the trial are in a similar state. I observe, powerless, the scene that unfolds before my eyes. This man is going to be locked up for the rest of his life even though I know deep down that he shouldn’t be.
“Come on, let’s go,” says Tucker.
The jury has made its decision, and there’s no way to argue with it. It’s over. But I can’t move. Powerless in the face of justice’s injustice.
***
The return drive takes place in a heavy silence. The only sound in the car is that of the windshield wipers trying to cope with the rain that is pouring down on the windshield.
It’s raining hard and thundering too. I feel as if it is echoing in my heart. I stand there, staring at the landscape, my skin tingling with fear. After many minutes, Tucker’s pickup truck pulls into the parking lot in front of my house. He keeps the engine running, and I can see his index finger tapping the steering wheel out of the corner of my eye. I keep my gaze focused on the outside.
Bad memories haven’t stopped tormenting me for an hour. Neither he nor I speak, but I feel his gaze on my profile. He lets himself go against the headrest, his dark face turned towards me. I hear his breathing, long and deep, and his masculine scent invades my nostrils. It’s almost reassuring. This heady smell helps me focus on the present.
“The world isn’t fair,” I whisper, letting myself sink back into the seat. “What should be fair isn’t,” I say, turning my head toward him. “But that’s the law, right?”
He runs his tongue over his lips, thinking about what I just said. “Sometimes it’s better to have an injustice happen than to live in a world without any law.”
I know deep down he thinks Mikael killed his wife.
And there is no evidence to the contrary. Mikael just got mad and explained the abuse he would do to her if she were still alive. All those hours of work for nothing, to finally attend a lousy trial and discover a defendant who, haunted by his demons, couldn’t express himself, couldn’t find the words that would prove his innocence. If only he had spoken…I’m sure there’s something else. We must have forgotten something.
Mikael will end up behind bars when he may not be a murderer. But I, who really killed a man, am free as a bird. I should have ended up behind bars too, shouldn’t I? Yes, the monster who killed my parents was terrible, but that doesn’t excuse what I did. Murder is murder. I am a murderer, no matter what anyone says. No matter why I did it, my hand killed.
I thought I had moved on, but I haven’t.
My eyes begin to water, and I can feel the tears pooling at the edges of my lids. This isn’t true. I abruptly close my eyes and take a deep breath. I feel like everything is going out of control.
“Are you okay?” Tucker whispers to me in a worried voice.
“No,” I grumble and furiously open my eyes again. “Nothing is right!”
“The Jury has decided, Iris. Mikael was pronounced guilty. I know you thought he wasn’t, but—”
“You don’t understand,” I whisper.
“Then explain it to me, babe,” he continues, leaning towards me worried. “What’s going on?”
My gaze plunged in his, I want to confide in him. To release the words that hurt me inside. But I can’t get them out…
And then, suddenly, my shell cracks a little more. How does he reach me so much? To make my mouth open by itself without obeying my brain?
“I should have ended up behind bars too.”
He frowns, bewildered. “What?”
“I’m a monster too. I have…I have…”
35. Second Round
Iris
I jump back, realizing what I was about to say. I was going to tell him everything. Something is really wrong in my head. I ignore my trembling lips and pick up my bag. I open the door hastily and mumble between my teeth, without turning to him, “I’ll see you later.”
I don’t have time to get up from the seat when a firm hand grabs my wrist and turns me the other way. My body faces Tucker, still in his seat.
“What—”
I don’t have time to ask my question, Tucker leans in and brings his mouth to mine.
