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“I don’t know,” I whisper in response, arms along my body.
“Every time, I tell myself that this desire will go away. I’ve had you once, twice, and I’m not satisfied. I burn for you even though you annoy me. I can’t get enough.”
He’s in the middle of a confession, which makes me want to do the same.
“Neither can I, Tucker.”
My answer is simple and seems to satisfy him. The mood has totally changed in just a few minutes. I don’t know why it’s always like this between us. We want to kill each other, then our bodies disobey us and seek contact, pleasure, the satisfaction of our needs.
Then our consciences don’t have a say anymore. They sit back and observe, spectators to the fire which burns between us, to the hurricane which prepares itself. The spark turns into a blaze, a heat that warms my skin and makes me want to dive in.
Yet, we both know that succumbing to it again would be foolish.
“I’m tired of this bullshit,” he sighs without moving away.
I frown. “What do you mean?”
“I can see the look in your eyes that clearly tells me you want to fuck. And I know for a fact that the look in mine tells you that I do too. What’s next, Iris?”
I bite my lower lip. I don’t understand what he’s getting at.
“This whole thing is bullshit. Sleeping together and promising each other it will be the last time.”
I nod, not knowing what else to do. Okay, so he wants to stop. “You’re probably right,” I reply, hiding my disappointment. “We need to stop sleeping together and saying that it will be the last. Yeah, you’re right, that was a load of crap. It’s better that…that we stop now.”
I nod my head a few times. After all, that’s what I wanted too, right? That we stop jumping each other to avoid complications. So why does my heart clench painfully?
He laughs softly as he places his right hand on my cheek. His palm is hot on my icy skin. A delicious shiver runs through me, but I try to ignore it.
“You don’t get it at all,” he whispers.
“What do you mean, then?” I say again in the same tone.
An unknown feeling rises in me because my body understands.
“For a junior, you can be slow on the uptake,” he says with a smile. “When I say it’s bullshit, I’m talking about the promise to never do it again, not about sleeping together. It’s the opposite. I want more.”
“What exactly do you want?”
“I want to be able to touch you, to taste you, to fuck you without telling myself every time that it will be the last time.”
An awful thought comes to me, and I decide to clear things up right away. “I don’t want to be in a relationship, Tucker.”
He obediently licks his bottom lip. “I don’t want to be in a relationship either. No attachments, no feelings, I get it. But I do want us to be exclusive, to not hide from the fact that we’re seeing each other for benefits.”
“Exclusive?” I say again, swallowing with difficulty. “That sounds very serious to me, Tucker.”
He moves his hand away, and I instantly miss his touch. “What?” he retorts. “If we do this, you don’t want it to be exclusive? So you’d be okay with me going to find a girl right now and fucking her?”
He takes a step backwards, and my hand reflexively reaches for him. My fingers wrap around his right bicep. “No! No, I don’t want you to sleep with another girl.”
“And I don’t want another guy to touch you. If that were to happen, I’d bust his nose, and I mean it. So we just…don’t share ourselves with others, that’s it. We just have to enjoy it, accept the attraction that exists between us, satisfy it without telling ourselves it’s just for once.”
“Exclusive,” I repeat thoughtfully. “A relationship based entirely on sex. Only sex. And what will the—”
“I don’t care what others will think.”
I think for a few moments. His proposal challenges all my principles. We would sleep together, and we’d be open about it, but not a couple, I repeat to myself several times.
