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Our relationship has been a game of chess on a human scale. A game that neither he nor I won.
“Hi…”
I swing back and forth, contemplating one last time the features of his face, engraving them in my memory. His unique look will haunt me for a long time to come, I know it, I prepared myself for it.
“My mother had an appointment with a new doctor this morning,” he says after clearing his throat. “She’s agreed to go to a new center. I’m going to visit her as much as I can over the next few weeks so that she understands that I’m here, so that she can get used to this new environment.”
My mouth opens by itself. “But no?! Oh, my God, that’s great, Tucker! I’m happy for her, for you.”
He nods, appreciating my words. “I’ve also decided to do some major sorting of Debbie’s things.”
We stare at each other but neither he nor I speak. The memory of his sister is still too painful to talk about much.
“Is Agnes excited about your homecoming?” he asks me afterwards.
I let out a small laugh as I think about my sister. “Oh yes, she’s really excited. I decided to sort out my parents’ things. I finally feel ready for it.”
“You’re ready,” Tucker whispers, staring at me intently. “You’re free now.”
A silent minute passes. I look at his face one last time, not really knowing what to say. I slowly say, “So this is where we say goodbye, huh?”
Tucker nods but doesn’t say anything more, as if he is unable to. I nod in turn and walk to the door. I barely take a step when his hand wraps around my elbow and he turns me toward him. His pale eyes meet mine as he kisses me for the last time.
His tongue caresses mine, his lips graze my cheeks, my chin, my forehead, then the tip of my nose. He inhales my scent, capturing my perfume for a moment more.
I long to snuggle up to him, but I have to resist because if I let myself go, I won’t have the strength to leave. I need to find myself again, to rebuild myself, after all this, before I can think of anything else.
“I’ll always be there for you,” he whispers in my ear before kissing my skin one last time. “Anytime. For whatever reason.”
I inhale sharply and look into his eyes. “I believe that a part of me will always belong to you, will always love you, no matter how far away or how much time passes.”
His index finger grazes my cheek and he smiles softly before stepping back. “Go on, get out of here, beautiful.”
I nod again, tears trapped under my eyelids. But I swallow them and smile back at him. I open my car door and get behind the wheel. “Don’t kill TJ, even if he annoys you, okay?”
“I won’t promise you anything,” Tucker replies with an innocent shrug.
I laugh again and conclude, “Bye, Tucker.”
“See you, babe.”
I shake my head as if exasperated, and he lets out a small laugh. I start the car and drive away. I turn a page in my life to discover a new one. I see him in my side rearview mirror, motionless. His silhouette, his broad shoulders disappear little by little from my sight.
Today, we say goodbye. But it is not a farewell.
Deep inside me…deep inside, I know that I will see him again one day.
And until then, no matter how much time passes, I won’t forget him.
Epilogue
Iris
Three months later
The hardest part was sorting through our family photo albums. Seeing the happy faces of my parents next to Agnes and me was heartbreaking. While tears rolled down my cheeks, a smile remained on my face as many memories of my childhood came to the surface.
I found, among the things stored at my aunt’s house, my mother’s favorite shirt. It smelled of her. I couldn’t leave it locked in a box. To tell you the truth, when it’s a little too hard, when the loss is a little too much, I hold it close to me just for a few moments. Even after all these months, it still has a touch of her smell.
