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He doesn’t answer me. His jaw is so contracted it looks like his teeth are going to break. His eyes are black, their color difference muted by the fury in them. Good, because I’m furious too.
“Do you get it? I’m not one of those—”
I let out a little scream as he grabs my wrists with one hand, my neck with the other and presses me against his body.
No, no, no, it’s too easy!
But already, his mouth is crushing mine. A muffled noise comes out of his chest when his lips press on mine, conquering.
I release my wrists and hit his face with my right hand. I step back as he lets go of me, short of breath.
“What did you just do?” he asks, letting out an incredulous laugh.
I glare at him. I had decided to stay calm, but it’s difficult in front of him. So, I explode too. “Who do you think you are, kissing me again? I’m not a bitch in heat. You can’t kiss me and then have someone else blow you the next minute. And you can’t forbid me from touching other guys, either.”
Tucker moves closer to me, looking threatening. “You asked for it. You looked for a reaction from me, so you got it.”
“And that confirms to me that you’re an asshole. We don’t know each other, and you acted towards that guy like you were…jealous.”
He silently takes the hit and then retorts, “Like you were jealous of Kacey.”
I’m pissed that he could read me so easily, so I lie, “No. I was disappointed when I realized you were just looking for some pussy.”
The reasonable part of my brain wonders why I’m reacting so bluntly when I shouldn’t care, but I guess I don’t really know myself. Tucker brings out my beastly side, a side I had carefully buried. I hate that he gets to me so easily. The only comfort I get is that he seems as damaged and lost as I am. And by the angry look on his face, I can tell my words got to him. Good! You asshole!
He snaps, “Fuck you.”
“Just so you know, if I do get fucked, it won’t be by you.”
He comes a little closer, and I find myself cornered against the wall. I am trapped, my back against the stone, yet I stare him down. My breathing quickens in spite of myself. I hate the effect he has on me. It’s as if my body is laughing at his foolish behavior, as if he only wants one thing: his lips, again.
Tucker leans forward. He doesn’t touch me. He places his hands and then his forearms against the wall behind my head. He locks me in a human cage without ever making contact with me.
“Why are you trying to drive me crazy?” he whispers to himself.
His breath slows down, hits my lips.
“Tell me I’m not the only one who is,” he then orders me, almost desperate.
I say nothing. But when his gaze becomes calmer, as if the storm were receding deep inside him, I finally confess, “I was jealous.”
He inhales deeply, nodding slowly. “And so was I,” he replies.
We continue to stare at each other for a good minute. His arms tighten a little more around me, but he’s still careful not to actually touch me.
“I don’t want to be jealous of a guy I don’t know,” I continue. “I also don’t want you to kiss me and act like you own me, which you don’t. You don’t want a girl who acts like that either, do you?”
He swallows hard. “No,” he says simply.
The truth is, I’m constantly stirred by Tucker, and I have no right to be. I can’t let him have such a hold on my body. No one will be able to reach me again, love me and then abandon me. I won’t let anyone get close to me until I feel that way. So, I have to cut off everything that’s messing with me, while there’s still time.
I can’t fucking do that to Rafael. I remember the sweetness of his arms, his fiercely protective air, his presence when I needed him. Then I see him again, his body frozen, half crushed under the metal of the destroyed car. I see him again, his breath fading as he whispered to me one last time that he loved me.
But what’s wrong with me? No one will take the place he occupies in my head. No one will be able to stir me up like he did.
I won’t let anyone get close to me and then hurt me and destroy me even more, not when I’m still not rebuilt.
“So, we’re going to stop this bullshit between us. We’re going to stop letting our damn bodies speak. You don’t touch me anymore, you understand? We reacted stupidly tonight, and I don’t want to react like that again for a boy, for you.”
