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“I think Paris was my version of going over the rainbow. At the time, I wanted to get away from this place and the reminders of…everything. Thought by doing so, I’d find the peace I desperately needed. ThehappinessI desperately needed. But now that I’m back here…” I shake my head before slowly returning my remorse-filled eyes to his. “I realize Dorothy was right.
“I went to Paris in search of my purpose, only to learn it’s been right here all along. I’ve never felt as useful as I did in the soup kitchen. Seeing the gratitude on all those people’s faces made me realize that this is where I belong. Right here. With the people of this country doing whatever I can, no matter how small, to make their lives a little better.”
“What… What are you saying?” Tristan’s voice cracks, his face contorted in confusion and hurt.
I do my best to keep my expression firm, lips pressed together tightly. “I’m staying.”
“Just for now, right? But at some point, you’ll eventually—”
“No.” I shake my head. “Not just for now. I’m staying here. Indefinitely. It’s where I belong.”
“But what about us? I get that you’re a princess. I knew that almost from the beginning of our relationship. But that was when you claimed to have no desire to return to this life.”
“I didn’t think I did. But things change.Peoplechange.I’vechanged.” I point to my chest. “My circumstances have changed. I can’t just abandon Anders. He’s doing better now, but that won’t always be the case. There will be times when he needs me to step in, especially with my father retiring in a few years.”
Tristan eats up the space between us, fingers pressing into my biceps as his gaze burns into mine. “And you can still do that without sacrificing yourself for all of this. I grew up in this kind of life, and I hated it. Hated not having freedom. Independence.” He pulls his lips between his teeth. “I don’t want that for my kids. Or myself.”
I stare at him for several long moments, trying to feel something.Anything. His words should hurt me. Should break my heart. They don’t, though. Maybe I’m still too numb from almost dying that the seriousness of the situation hasn’t yet sunk in.
Or maybe it’s a sign that Tristan isn’t the one I’m supposed to be with.
Hell, I struggled to even tell him I loved him. Took me almost a year of dating him to finally say those three words. Even when I did, I’m not sure I meant it.
I still don’t.
“Then you don’t want me,” I say with a shrug.
“That’s where you’re wrong.” He clasps my hands in his with a gentle but urgent grip. “I do, Esme. I want you so fucking much. Iloveyou so fucking much.”
“Just not enough to accept this part of my life.” With a sad smile, I pull away from him and stare into space before returning my gaze to his. “Years ago, Anderson said something that resonated with me. His opinion of all the bullshit we’ve endured is the same as mine. Hell, at times it’s probably even worse. But do you know why he’s never turned his back on his role? His duty to the crown?”
“Why’s that?”
“Because of the people of this country. We may have been raised to believe that we need to put our duty to the crown above all else, but Anderson’s always put his duty to the people even higher. He’s stayed because it’s much easier to fight for change on the inside than from the outside. So I’m going to stay. Help him continue to make some much-needed changes in this country. Not keep running from my problems.”
“And with you officially becoming a senior royal once more, what does that mean for us?”
“It wouldn’t have to change anything for us. Not unless—”
“Not unless we were to be married.”
I snap my mouth closed and nod.
“And if that were to happen? What then?”
“You’d also become a senior member of the royal family.”
“What about my career? And my pharmaceutical company? What would happen to—”
“Senior members of the royal family aren’t allowed to hold jobs outside of the royal household. And any boards you serve on need to be approved.”
He nods, not showing any signs of emotion, apart from resignation. After several heavy moments of silence, he states, “My mother was miserable.”
“What do you mean?”
He lifts his gaze toward mine. “When my father was elected president. To anyone on the outside, they’d think she had it made. She got to quit her teaching job with the paltry salary and be First Lady, married to the most powerful man in the world. But teaching was the one thing that brought her joy. When that was taken away from her…” He shakes his head. “She lost her soul. I can’t lose my soul, too.”
My heart aches at the despair in his tone, so raw and real. We’ve been together for five years, yet this feels like the first genuine conversation we’ve ever had.
