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“You should join us,” Kaori said, tilting her head toward me. “You’re still part of the Council. We all are, and we’re not complete without you.”
My heart gave a painful shudder. How did I make them understand? The only reason Kost, Noc, Ozias, and Calem were temporarily part of the Council was because we’d needed the support of Cruor to fight Yazmin. And they’d known it, too. Their shadow magic was a stark contrast to what Charmers wielded. We weren’t even sure our people would accept them, even temporarily, in a position of power. And now I was a horrific combination of those two things with no place that really felt like home.
As if hearing my thoughts, Calem frowned at Kaori. “We’re not part of the Council anymore.”
“Sure you are,” Raven said with an exaggerated sigh. “Turns out, all Charmers really care about is good people taking the helm—not what type of people they are. And before you go freaking outabout added responsibilities”—she gave a critical nod to Calem’s slack jaw—“don’t. Consider yourselves more…advisers, much like Kost is to Noc and Leena.”
Leena placed a hand on my leg and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Come with us. After that, well, if you still want to avoid Hireath, then you’ll always have a home in Wilheim.”
“And here,” Kost said, his soft exclamation a breathy exhale. There it was again. That moment of thinly veiled tenderness. It was almost too much to bear.
A fist wrung my heart tight. Wilheim, Cruor, Hireath…none of them really felt like home anymore. But the people around me did. And even if I didn’t really know who I was or what I was capable of, I knew I didn’t want to disappoint them.
“I’ll go,” I said.
For the first time since she barged through the doors to the medical wing, Raven smiled. “Good.”
“Tomorrow, though,” Kost said with a dismissive wave. “Gaige is still recovering.”
“You too.” Ozias said as he crossed his arms against his chest. “I know how much blood you donated. You’ll heal faster than him, but you need to rest.”
“Since I’m no longer needed here”—Kost gestured to the beaker and limp tubing dangling off the table—“I’ll retire to my room after checking in with Emelia and the sentries.”
You’re needed here.That quiet, errant thought had the power to upend my world. I’d already gone down that road before, and I knew where it ended. I couldn’t keep pining over something that never was. And yet… That look he’d given me, the gentle way he insinuated that I belonged here, with him… My mind was such a mess when it came to Kost. I wanted to let go. I wanted to break away and forget everything that still stirred within me at the sightof him. It was just so…hard. I didn’t know how to address it, so I simply didn’t. I let that damning thought solidify into something larger and just kept quiet.
When everyone left to give me a chance to sleep, I stared at the rafters of the ceiling and tracked shadows as they writhed along the beams. My body could rest, but my thoughts certainly wouldn’t. And while the poison-induced sleep had thankfully kept my dreams at bay, I feared I’d fall right back to the same nightmare if I closed my eyes. And then the shadows above my head would wreak havoc on the guild, and the Kitska beasts would attack, and the small seed of confidence that had just taken root in my chest after Kost vouched for my progress would wither and die.
And I was tired of dying.
Tomorrow, we’d go to Hireath. Tomorrow, I’d confront the home I used to have and get to the bottom of these monster attacks. Maybe tomorrow, I’d make more progress with my shadows. With myself. With Kost.
FOURTEEN
KOST
“Progress? What kind of progress? What were you referring to?” Calem asked. We’d barely made it into my private study before he’d launched into a barrage of questions, and I was already exhausted. Sinking into the overstuffed armchair before my desk, I rubbed my temples. Leena, Raven, and Kaori had excused themselves for the evening, leaving me with Calem, Ozias, and Noc. I wasn’t surprised when they followed me out of the medical wing to here. I’d been the first one to point out Gaige’s shortcomings in recent days, so to suddenly comment on his improvement was a bit…unexpected. Even for me.
“He tamed Rook without major incident.” It felt weak on my tongue, and I knew they’d see right through it.
“Without major incident?” Calem tossed his hands into the air in exasperation. “You’ve lost too much blood. You’re not thinking clearly, because thatincidentwasn’t exactly minor.”
Ozias lingered by the closed door and gripped the back of his neck. “Look, I’m the first one to give encouragement, but…I dunno, Kost. After what happened with the Slimacks, I’m not so sure anymore.”
Noc pressed his lips into a tight line. After a forced exhale, hepinned me to the wall with his stare. “You really think he’s improved? Answer honestly.”
“As if I’d ever be dishonest,” I said. Still, I hesitated to answer as I braced my elbows on my meticulously organized desk. I didn’t know what had brought me to react in such a way. I’d just… I knew how hard it must’ve been. Even if we weren’t voicing our concerns, I’m sure he felt them. He was practically shriveling away, unable to carry the weight of our expectations, of what we wanted him to be. And I was the worst at thrusting my well-meaning, but perhaps harsh and unsympathetic, intentions on him. He was finally trying to control his powers, and for once, I wanted to be the one to reassure him. Not Ozias. Not Calem. Me.
Of course, none of that mattered. The issue still remained—Kitska monsters were attacking innocent people, and Gaige still had a long way to go. At this rate, it would be years before he mastered the shadows, and we couldn’t afford his wild, uncontained magic to continue to agitate the beasts.
I slipped a hand beneath my glasses to pinch the bridge of my nose. “No, I don’t think he’s improved. Not enough to dismiss the notion that he’s inexplicably linked to the growing number of attacks.”
“We can’t give up yet.” Ozias left his post to slump into the chair across from me. “Some people take to the shadows better than others. We’ve never changed a Charmer before.”
“You think that matters?” Calem asked. He paced along the bookshelves, dragging his fingertips aimlessly against the bindings. His brows drew together in a frown, and I studied the thin line of mercury surrounding his muted-red irises. Calem had two magics living within him; shadows and something bestial. How did he manage?
Noc tipped his head to the ceiling in thought. “Maybe. Maybenot. I only know of a few assassins who were lost to the shadow realm, and they were all just people.”
“Do we keep records of that?” Ozias asked.
