AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Like a true gentleman, Rudy opens my door for me and helps me out. My dress and skin are still sticky, but I hook my arm in his and let him lead me down Cove Boulevard. We walk in silence for a few moments until we turn into the new community garden. Doing a slow turn of the space, we pause near the new lattice. Rudy slides his hands over my hips and faces me.
“Look, Lily, you don’t have to say anything. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable in the bathroom; that wasn’t my intention. I won’t push you to do anything you don’t want to do, but I have to be honest and say that I want to see you again. We don’t have to talk about the future and you don’t have to tell me anything about why you want to keep it casual.”
His words are soft, soothing. Something cracks inside me, some hard shell that had calcified around my heart sometime over the past months, years, decades. All the thoughts I had earlier melt away, and the last thing I want is for Rudy to walk away from me.
“You don’t have to tell me what was going through your mind when I touched you, and I’m truly sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I don’t—”
“I have cancer,” I blurt, surprised the words came so easily when I’ve barely been able to even think them.
Rudy’s hands tighten on my hips as I stare at his bowtie hanging undone on either side of his collar. I don’t look at Rudy’s face, but I hear the sharp intake of breath and feel the silence settle over us like a weight.
“You… Wait, what?”
I close my eyes. This time, it takes an effort to push the words past my lips. “Breast cancer. I found out about it nine weeks ago, give or take. Right after…” I stop myself. Right after I found out I was pregnant. But I can’t say that, can I? I should. I know I should. I should be completely honest with Rudy, but one bombshell might be enough for the night.
Plus, we’re not supposed to be talking about the future. People dating casually don’t talk about future plans. Even though I’m breaking that rule by telling him about the cancer, I can pretend that’s just to explain my reaction in the bathroom when he touched my chest.
That’s what I tell myself, anyway.
I take a deep breath. “No one knows except my medical team. I came back here for treatment, but I’ve been too much of a coward to tell my family.” I gulp, still letting my fingers run over his shoulders, avoiding his gaze. “I’m not saying this so you’ll pity me, I’m saying it so you’ll understand.” I don’t want to look at Rudy’s face and see anything that might hurt my tender feelings, so I just stare at his chest and soldier on. “Ever since I got the diagnosis, it’s been hard to look at my body—at my breasts—and see anything other than the cancer growing inside me. When you touched me, I remembered… I remembered everything. That’s why I froze. It wasn’t because of you.”
There’s a silence that seems to last forever, but it’s probably only two or three seconds. Then Rudy’s gentle voice says, “Lily, will you look at me?”
I shake my head.
“No? You won’t look at me?”
“If I look at you and see pity, I’ll break.”
I hear him let out a huff of breath that kind of sounds like a laugh. “Okay.” His hands slide up to my waist. “Well, everything I said is still true. I’ll take things slow. I’ll wait. I won’t push you.”
“Rudy, I’m going to lose my breast. They’ll cut it off, because otherwise the cancer will spread and I will die. They can do a reconstruction, but at best I’ll be scarred. I’ll have to have chemo. It will be months—years, maybe—before I feel like myself again, and that’s if I make it. What are you talking about, taking it slow? Not pushing me? You don’t want to be with me at all! I have so much baggage, I should be running an airport. You should be running away from me.” I snap my head up to look at him, and to my shock, there’s no pity on his face.
He looks…patient. He blinks at me, and I blink at him.
“When’s your surgery? My work schedule is flexible. I could drive you to the hospital.”
“I…” I frown, then shake my head. “No. No, you won’t drive me. This is not the time for me to be getting involved with a man. It’s going to be hard enough on my family to deal with my treatment, I’m not going to ask you to take that on. If you want to have sex, fine. We can have sex tonight and be done with it. But I’m not going to date you and drag you into my shit. This is casual. I shouldn’t even be telling you anything. I just…wanted to explain.”
He arches a brow. “Lily,” he says, “although I very much want to have sex with you, I’m not intending to ‘be done with it’ after we sleep together. I’m not sure tonight is the best time for it.”
Great. Now he doesn’t even want to sleep with me! What the hell happened to casual? We were supposed to hook up after fish and chips, then never speak to each other again.
“You won’t have sex with me? Why the hell not?” I spit the words.
I don’t even know where this anger is coming from. I’m not mad at Rudy. I’m being an ass, and I hate myself for it, but I can’t help it. All the terror and stress and tension in my body suddenly wants out, and Rudy happens to be the person in front of me.
But maybe it’s more than that.
Maybe it’s the fact that I told him, and he didn’t react with fear or pity and false sympathy. It didn’t seem to change his opinion of me at all, which is crazy. Insane. He should be pulling away from me just like my ex did. He should be turning his back on me and walking away, because that’s infinitely easier than dealing with someone who’s ill.
He doesn’t owe me anything, and the last thing I want to do is drag him down with me.
“Are you insane?” I ask him, totally serious.
Laughter lights his eyes for a moment, but his lips don’t twitch. “Not that I’m aware, why?”
“Because it doesn’t seem to bother you that I’m sick.”
