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Saying goodbye to the kids is awful. They’re greeted by flight staff and given badges that say “Unaccompanied Minor” before being led off toward the gate. My chest feels so tight it hurts, and all I can think about is how I’d love for Mac to be beside me, for his arms to be wrapped around me, for his lips to be near my ear while he whispers comforting words to me.
I want to feel the way I felt when I heard his voice after my car broke down. Safe, secure, and absolutely sure that everything will be okay.
But I made the decision to do this alone, and I have to trust in that.
I mostly spend the holidays at Candice’s house. I cook a lot, eat even more, and exchange presents with my family. I video call Toby and Katie as much as they’ll tolerate. I laugh and I do have fun, but I still miss my kids something fierce. It’s not the same without them.
You know who I end up buying the most presents for? Mr. Fuzzles. I fill that void in my chest with toys and catnip, and I’m pretty sure even the cat knows I’m trying to bribe him for affection.
So, when it comes time for Toby and Katie to fly back a week later, I get to the airport well early of their arrival, and as the two of them walk out toward me, I take my first full breath in a long time. I hug them both and kiss them all over until Toby scrunches his face and pulls away.
“Gross, Mom, stop!”
I laugh, then take them both by the hand and lead them to the exit. When I look down, Katie’s nails are bare.
I frown. “What happened to your manicure, honey?”
Katie blushes and looks down at her feet. She tugs her hand away from mine and curls her hands into fists. “Daddy said I was too young to have my nails painted. He took it off.”
Heat spears through my chest as anger explodes inside me. It takes every single ounce of self-control to keep my features under control. “He did what?”
Katie bites her lip. “It’s okay. I didn’t even like my nails painted.” A blatant lie. Katie was preening for days. She looks up at me, brows high, and shrugs. “It’s just something stupid girls do, anyway.”
I’m going to kill him. Kevin must have a death wish, because he really went and put those thoughts in my sweet, brilliant daughter’s head. I’m going to fly up to Seattle and throttle him right now. Sucking a breath in through my nose, I count to ten and try to get my rioting emotions under control. My vision is blanketed in red, and I feel about ready to explode.
Some last, barbed hook buried deep under my breastbone works itself loose. For the first time in a decade and a half, I can see clearly.
Kevin will not get one minute outside his court-ordered time with the kids. He will not ever step into my house again. He won’t fill my kids’ heads with garbage, and he sure as hell won’t make Katie feel small. He can show up a day early and watch me close the door on his face. He can come to soccer games, he can try to blot my bloody nose, he can sweet-talk me as much as he likes, but it won’t change a thing.
We are done. My boundaries will be cast in stone. My tone will be frigid. From this moment on, I will not ever let him cross a line I set. So long as my kids are with me, I’ll keep them safe from his toxic, insidious, bullshit opinions.
I’ll make damn sure Katie paints her nails whenever and however she wants.
But before I can find the words to tell Katie that her father is a piece of shit, Toby puts his arm around his sister. “I don’t think nail polish is stupid,” he announces.
Katie frowns at her brother. “You don’t?”
Toby shakes his head. “No. I want to paint my nails. I think it’s cool.”
Her brow wrinkles. “But you’re a boy.”
“So?” Toby holds his sister’s gaze until a hint of a smile tugs at her lips.
“What color do you want?” she asks in a small voice.
“What color should I get?” Toby looks at his hands.
“Something glittery because it’s going to be New Year’s soon,” Katie says with a nod. Then she looks at me. “Can we paint our nails when we get home?”
Tears well in my eyes. I nod. “Yeah. We’ll do it together.”
Katie slips her hand back into mine, and my anger vanishes. Toby, instead of moving to my other side, takes his sister’s free hand. I meet his gaze over her head and quickly brush a tear from my eye. Toby just gives me a cheeky little smile, and we head out to the car.
An hour later, we all have glittery nails.
CHAPTER 37
Jen
