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I wasn’tsure if the room was spinning or if my eyes were struggling to maintain focus as I laid at the edge of the bed listening to my father finish his sermon. Since answering his call thirty minutes ago and informing him I’d be spending time in Berkeley, I’d been stuck on the line. Admitting that I was moving was harder than I’d imagined, so I settled with the partial truth. I would be spending time in Berkeley but I had no intentions of returning to Channing. The way that he was going on and on, I knew he understood everything I wasn’t telling him as well.
“But, it’s your life, Aeir. Do what you please. Just make sure to enjoy every second that you possibly can, alright? You only get one of these.”
“I know, Dad.”
“Now, I’m handing this phone to your mother. She wants to talk to you for a minute.”
I remained quiet as he handed the phone off. Since waking up two weeks prior, we’d said little to nothing to each other. I was still trying to find forgiveness in my heart for her lack of faith and commitment while I was fighting for placement earthside. I wasn’t sure if her actions would ever be forgiven. The utter betrayal I felt was unforgettable. It played in the back of my mind even when I wanted to shut it off.
“Hey, Aeir. I heard your father and from what I’ve gathered, you’re planning to leave Channing for a while. Berkeley, huh?”
“Umm hmmm.”
My head was beginning to throb. Determining whether it was from the liquor Jae had practically poured down my throat or from hearing my mother’s leathery voice was almost impossible. She sounded like slices of heaven. Always had. Her voice was like a warm, gentle hug in the wee hours of the night when uncertainty clouded your thoughts and gripped at your heart. This time, I didn’t want a hug. I wanted a logical explanation for declaring the death of your daughter and determining she no longer belonged in the everyday fight of life.
“Well, I don’t blame you, baby. Berkeley is a beautiful place, full of opportunities and adventures. Your timing concerns me, but your resilience assures me you’ll be just fine.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled, closing my eyes to stop the spinning.
“I love you, Aeir. No matter what your head is telling you these days, your heart knows. I’m handing the phone back to your father now.”
“Love you, too.”
“Alright. We’re going to get off this phone and head to bed. Come by here tomorrow. I’ve got something for you, okay?”
“Okay, Dad. I’ll see if Jae can bring me by before she goes to work.”
“If she can’t, I don’t mind coming to get you.”
“You don’t have to. I’m sure she can handle it.”
“Alright. Either way, just let me know. Goodnight, honey. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Dad.”
I ended the call and placed the phone against my chest. My father was the brightest star in my universe and I couldn’t help but wonder if my mother’s knowledge of it factored into her decision to pull the plug. Without even having to ask, he would be contributing to my relocation fund. Besides wanting to see me before Wednesday, it was the only reason he was adamant about my presence in their home.
The discomfort of my clothing forced me up and off the bed, pulling the long skirt and tank off my body one at a time. My undergarments were next. Sleeping in them was out of the question in almost any situation.
When they’d all fell to the floor, I picked them up and folded them neatly, placing them on the loveseat on the opposite side of the room. There was something about clothes on the floor that made my stomach knot. Satisfied, I tiptoed back to bed and curled underneath the covers. My lids sealed the second my head hit the pillow.
Open for me. The muscular arms and signature baritone were masters of persuasion.
My eyes popped open, realizing the small lamp on the nightstand was still active. I reached over and flipped the switch. Closing my eyes a second time, I prayed for darkness behind them. God didn’t hear me. Not this time. Behind my lids were my limbs, spread wide with tattooed skin caressing them.
Touch it, the voice demanded, forcing my eyes open again.
“It’s him,” I breathed out, searching through the dark for nothing in particular. “It’s him.”
I remembered it. Couldn’t forget it. Almost every day for the last two weeks, he’d appeared when the silence was heavy and my heart was heavier. When he answered the phone earlier, he’d shut down my nervous system completely. I now knew why.
How’s he in my head?
The achiness of my center convinced me that, though he wasn’t real, the feeling was. I was, indeed, alone in the guestroom, all by myself, but I could still feel his hands on my body and the effect his presence had on me.
Slowly, I closed my eyes again, yearning for relief. Curiosity led me back to the place I’d just come from, hoping to find him there. My obscured vision didn’t make room for details and features beyond the long, tattooed arms, beefy chest, and full beard. However, there was just enough to make my center throb harder, forming a heartbeat that buried every surrounding sound beneath it.
