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I get it, he wants me to figure something out right this second, but I don’t work like that. I can’t go from zero to one-hundred and not get whiplash, I need to think.
“Okay, so let’s go somewhere then,” he says, a hint of desperation leaking through his usually indifferent tone.
My anxiety spikes. “Go where?”
“Anywhere. Fuck the Order, we could just leave tonight.”
No. No. We cannot.I bite my lip. “We can’t just leave. It’s not realistic.”
“Only because you want to keep living here, have nothing really change, and force people to be different than how they are.”
“That’s not true.” My face feels hot, my ears buzzing with pent-up energy. “That’s a bad idea. It won’t go well, you know that.”
“Then if we can’t leave and we can’t do the ceremony in secret, the only thing left to do is go before the council,” he says, his voice rising.
“What?” I squawk. “No! That’s an even worse idea. It’s way too dangerous.”
“I don’tcare.” He takes a step closer, practically growling in frustration. “Let them find out. I want everyone to know you’re mine.”
I freeze. Shit. We can’t do this now. We can’t. Not when I don’t even know what I want. Not when he doesn’t know why he even feels that way. What if he’s not serious? What if it’s not real?
I pull my arm out of the way. “I do. I care.”
He scoffs, his face twisting back to its usual mask of indifference. “Of course you do.”
I take a step back. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You care what everyone thinks, Etta. You care more if strangers on the street like you than if you like you.”
I reel back. “You don’t have to be an asshole.”
He narrows his eyes. “Yes, I do. I never pretended I wasn’t.”
Anger bubbles up in my stomach. “Yeah actually, you did. You haven’t been an asshole to me. Not lately, anyway. You’re choosing this right now.”
“And you’re choosing to be willfully obtuse.”
“Excuse me if I don’t want it to be my fault if my cousin kills you! I care, because I don’t want it to be my fault if someone else gets hurt. I don’t want anyone in my family to die or you to die because I was selfish. Why don’t you get that?”
“Then what the hell are we doing here?” he sneers. “That was always a risk. You’re the one who was more than happy to pretend this was about school or whatever the fuck else.”
“Then what’s it about for you?” I demand. “What do you want from me?”
“Are you even listening to me?” He takes a step closer, practically growling in frustration. “I’m telling you I don’t care about anyone but you. I never have. I don’t care if anyone finds out or what happens because I want everyone to know you’re mine, no matter what the cost is. If you don’t already know what that means, then you haven’t been paying attention at all.”
I hear him—hear what he thinks he’s saying, and also all the things he isn’t.
Maybe here at last is the answer to the question that’s been lingering with me for days. What does Roman get out of this? He getsme.
Except that he’s not saying, “I love you.” No, he’s saying he wants to own me.
My head spins. I don’t have the energy to sort this out right now. I can’t. “It doesn't matter,” I say. “Because my aunt still said no and I still just got a desperately needed wake-up call. I refuse to be the reason anyone else gets hurt.”
He sneers. “Then what the hell are we doing here?”
I shake my head—right now, I have no idea.
For a moment, I thought the stars aligned, and I could have everything. The impossible fantasy. The things I only ever dared to ask for in the dark. But some things just aren’t meant to be, and I need to stop ignoring what the universe was clearly trying to tell me all along.
