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And then, just when I think I’m running out of breath, I tell her everything I left out about the date with Harrison, and about Roman picking me up; about how we went to Councilman Lawrence’s house and I didn’t wear underwear, and went to see my Aunt Angelica in Salem and had a fight.
And then I tell her about Roman.
Not about his teasing, because that’s the one thing she doesn’t need to hear again, but about the afternoons we used to spend in the library and the evenings in the cemeteries, and every stolen moment in the quiet of after a funeral; about the night at the gala; about how I’m afraid I love him, and maybe I always did.
“Fuck. What?” Cat interrupts. “Go back a minute.”
I heave a breath, like I’ve been running a marathon, and try to backtrack to what I just said that’s throwing her. My eyes widen, and I slap my hand over my mouth. “Holy shit.”
She stares at me, and for a moment I’m terrified. Terrified that even though Cat and I have been friends for years, she’ll tell me this is all too much for her. That I was right to keep it in all this time, or worse, that I have Champagne problems and they don’t matter. That I’m spoiled and selfish for feeling this way.
“Well, I think your mother might have literally sold her soul, so I’d just disregard all that stuff about her.”
I choke on a laugh, relief flooding me. “Yeah, maybe you’re right. I didn’t even tell you about the permanent Spanx.”
Cat stands to get us more coffee, and I stare at the masts of the tall ships through the large, foggy windows. There’s something about the air here. It’s quiet, but not silent. I’m alone, but not lonely.
I take the mug from Cat as she sits down, nodding with thanks.
“Are you going to say it again?” she asks.
I purse my lips, wishing I could pretend I didn’t know what she meant. “To you or to him?”
“Either.”
“No!”
“Because it’s irrelevant. My point still stands. I don’t want to be the reason anyone gets hurt, especially Roman. I want to be the reason the feud is forced to end. I feel like the way things are going, we’re more likely to end up causing more violence than ending it.”
She shrugs as if to say: “So?”
“Not for nothing, but your family are all adults. They’re doing this all on their own. Maybe they should worry if they’re hurting you for once.”
I try to let that sink in as she takes a sip of coffee. “It might be different if we were currently speaking. What if I said it and we still didn’t work out? What if I love him, but he’s planning to beat up my date to freshman formal, kill my grandmother, and cut the breaks on my car. It’s not an entirely irrational fear.”
I appreciate that she doesn’t laugh.
“I mean,” Cat says pursing her lips. “Judging from what I had to listen to all night in that apartment, you guys are hooking upa lot.”
The back of my neck heats. “Were.And that’s not the point.”
“It kind of is, though. Aside from all the other stuff, you’re fucking regularly and you’re getting married.”
“Were,” I say over her. “We weredoing those things. I have no idea what we’re doing now.”
“Whatever! I just mean that it would honestly be sociopathic if you didn’t develop feelings for him.”
“So, you don’t think it’s real?” I lean forward eagerly. “You’re saying I’m getting caught up in the moment and it will go away.”
She grimaces and I deflate before she even opens her mouth. “I don’t know, maybe?” She picks at the split ends of her dark hair. “But honestly, no, I don’t think that’s what’s happening. This actually, as much as I hate to admit it, feels like the literal definition of ‘if he wanted to, he would.’”
I furrow my brow. “What do you mean?”
“You know I despise all men, so the bar is lower than hell. It’s in one of those deep-sea caves hanging out with a fucked-up, one-eyed, teenage, mutant, ninja-fish.”
I sigh wearily. “I get it.”
“Do you, though? I love you, but I wouldn’t sit here and blow smoke up your ass. I’m saying that, objectively, no one said he had to agree to marry you. He didn’t have to pick you up on the side of the road, or repeatedly risk his life to see you. That man is obsessed with you. It’s honestly kind of shaking my world view. The bar might be, like, on the ground now.”
