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“I didn’t mean it the way it came out.”
I blink hard until my vision clears.
“I’m just a broken old man who can’t reconcile his life choices with the consequences they made. I’ve taken that out on you, and that’s not fair.”
I exhale slowly and lean back against the wall, letting my eyes flutter closed. “Tell me about the time you met Mom,” I say in a desperate attempt to retreat to a topic that doesn't make me want to tear my heart out of my chest. “I haven’t heard that story in a long time.”
“Now’s not the time for that story.”
“I hate that you refuse to talk about her,” I hiss under my breath. “It’s not fair. We’ve lost her presence. Do we have to lose her memory, too?”
“That’s not—"
“Tell me the story, Dad.”
He sighs so heavily, I feel it where I stand. “I ran into her when I was walking home from school one day. She had a pile of books that she was carrying and she dropped a couple. I stopped to help her pick them up. Then I offered to carry her books back to her place. We went out on our first date that same night, and the rest…”
He trails off, his voice hitching over the last few words.
“How long did it take you to fall for her?”
“Taylor—"
“Answer me, please.”
“I knew she was the one when I picked up the first book.”
“How?”
“Excuse me?”
“How did you know she was the one?”
He hesitates, his eyebrows hitching together. “I don’t know. It was just…a feeling.”
“What did it feel like?
He sighs again. “A feeling of being recognized, of something snapping into place. It was this sense of connecting with a complete stranger. And then just…being understood.”
I nod. “That,” I say softly. “That is what happened the night I met Ilarion. Yeah, he was this big intimidating guy. He was out to settle a score with someone I didn’t know or know about. But we connected. And it happened before I knew about him or you or any of the politics that came to follow. I loved him freely, this nameless, powerless stranger, and I don’t regret it.I don’t fucking regret it.Maybe I should. But I don’t.” I meet my father’s gaze. “I used to think the same thing, you know. If I’d never met him that night, it would have been okay. We could have avoided all this. But now, I realize, it wouldn’t have mattered. I would have loved him regardless. Before or after. Because he recognized me the same way I recognized him. We were strangers, but we understood each other.”
The silence that follows is long and deep.
“That’s how you feel?” Dad asks. “Still?”
I hesitate. But only because I realize I don’t need to lie to Dad. “Yes.”
“Then you need to tell Celine.”
41
TAYLOR
You need to tell Celine.I shake my head. “I can’t,” I whisper, unlatching the sob that’s hiding in my throat. “And I can’t be the only one who starts telling the truth. I can’t…I can’t be alone in this.”
He sighs with resignation. “I know what this is about. You want to know what Ilarion spoke to me about in the garden.”
“Apparently, neither one of you want to tell me what happened, so I’ll let that one go. But maybe you can answer another question for me?”
