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“I was older than I’d like to admit before I realized that my nanny wasn’t actually my mother. That she had no relation to me at all, and that she was actually paid to look after me. That was a bucket of ice water, let me tell you.” She glances at me through her long lashes. “I think it’s admirable that you want to protect your baby, and he isn’t even born yet. I think that alone makes you a good mother.”
A beat of uncomfortable silence follows. I can’t help but wonder,When did she start to respect me?I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but there’s no denying that that’s what the soft glow in her eyes is: respect.
I’m beginning to doubt I’ll ever understand these people.
“So…is there a reason you’ve decided to be your brother’s lackey? Not judging or anything. I’m just curious.”
Mila scoffs. “Bullshit. You are judging. And I can’t exactly blame you. I’d be judging you if the roles were reversed.”
“So why do it?”
She sighs, and as she does, her posture folds in on itself. Like she’s trying to keep something embarrassing cupped in her arms so I can’t see it. “Honestly?”
“If you can manage it.”
She throws me a glare, but there’s humor behind it. “Because he’s my hero.” I raise my eyebrows and she chuckles. “I know—it sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?”
“No,” I say softly. “Not if you mean it.”
“I didn’t have parents growing up,” she explains. “Not real ones. But I had Ilarion. And he was the best big brother anyone could ever hope to have. He would kill for me. Literally.”
I shudder. “Yeah, that’s the part I have trouble with.”
“It doesn’t take as long to get used to as you would think.”
“That’s not what I want for my child,” I tell her. “Or for myself.”
“Well, then you chose the wrong man to sleep with.”
I run my hand through my hair, catching a few painful knots in the process. I really need to drag a brush through it at some point. It’s one thing to isolate myself up here; it’s another thing to let myself go entirely. Just because I feel like a caged animal doesn’t mean I have to look like one.
“Does your brother love my sister?” I ask bluntly. I’m very aware that I sound like a broken record by this point. But no one has ever given me a straight answer.
At least not one that’s believable.
Mila’s expression doesn’t change, but I suspect that’s because she’s trying very hard not to give anything away. “What’s the answer you’re hoping to hear?”
I bristle. “That’s not fair.” And not the direction I want this conversation to turn, either. This is about Ilarion and Celine, not about me.
She winces and holds up her hands. “Sorry. In case you haven’t noticed, my default setting is ‘bitch.’”
I can’t help but smile. As annoying as it was being at odds with her, turns out it’s equally annoying to find that I like her. I don’t want to like anything about Ilarion or his world or the people who’ve chosen to join him in it.
“You love your brother, right?” I say. “Well, I feel the same way about my sister. And I happen to believe that his feelings for her aren’t pure.”
“Nothing in life is pure, Taylor,” Mila says. It’s the first time I’ve ever heard her voice crack quite like that. A crack that reveals a glimpse of something beneath it. Pain. Heartbreak.Damage. “Even if you find something that comes close, it’s only a matter of time before it’s tainted.”
I shake my head. “That’s not true.”
“Yes, it is. The most we can come to expect from life is to survive it. My brother proposed; your sister accepted. That’s all there is to it. We just need to get out of the way.”
I just nod miserably. Some lines can’t be crossed. I’ve asked Mila to speak against her brother and I have to accept that she will never do it. “Okay, I get it. You have his back.”
“No matter what,” she confirms.
“And I’ve got my sister’s.” I sigh. “Which is why she can never know about this baby, Mila.” My hand trembles over my stomach. “You need to convince Ilarion that this is the only way forward. He can’t claim this baby as his.”
Mila looks wary. “You’re asking for a lot, Taylor.”
