AllFreeNovel
Share Us
‘Mommy’s pooping her guts out,’ said Max.
“Yep,” said Steven. “There goes her liver.’.
‘Oooh, that was a spleen.’
‘And that was her intestes,’ said Steven.
‘That’s intestines, anus-face,’ Max gasped between guffaws.
‘Mom! Max said anus!’
“They chased each other into the kitchen, where Steven tripped over the pile of Legos I’d told them to put away earlier. Steven took a header. I heard the scream as his mouth bounced off a chair on the way down. I scrambled to clean off and pull up my pants. There was blood on the floor, on the table, on both boys; Max had tried to help stop the bleeding.
“I got them in the car, and to the ER. Had to stop twice to puke on the side of the road. He lost one tooth, and a second is loose. Fat lip, bruised chin, blood-stained T-shirt. Max said he thought having the four mutant turtles smeared with blood was pretty bad-ass. Steven gave a gap-toothed grin and agreed.
“‘Do we have to wash it, mom?’”
“I got ’em home, put ’em to bed. And I just had nothing left, you know? I realized I hadn’t slept more than two hours at a stretch for the better part of a week. And I was like, why am I all alone with this shit? Who’s gonna take care of me?
“I’m back on the toilet, falling asleep, head full of dark thoughts, and I see my bathrobe hanging on the back of the door, right? Ugly green Goodwill thing faded to grey, patched in a few places. But the belt loops are still solid. I looked up at that flannel belt, and I. . . I. . . I was so angry and alone.
“It was just for a second.” Now the tears started, hot and silent and ashamed. “I thought how easy it would be to loop that terry-cloth belt around my fists and. . . and.” Her shoulders convulsed; she closed her eyes. “I saw myself do it. I wondered how long it would take. I thought, ‘I’ll go to jail, and then I’ll go to hell, but at least this will end. This not being good enough? It’ll end.
“And just like that, it was over. I was exhausted and scared and disgusted with myself. How could I be that angry? I would never hurt my boys, would I? I took the whole robe and jammed it into the trash. This wave of shame went through me.
“I just wanted to hide. I sat down in a corner of the hall closet, curled up in a ball, and sobbed. When I woke up in the morning, Steven had curled up with me. I don’t remember him coming in, but there he was, asleep in my arms.”
Respectful silence held everyone in place. Heads nodded in sympathy. After a few beats, Leonard asked the group for reactions. Rule #1: No Judgements. The group reviewed strategies to combat or forestall that loss-of-control moment. A first-timer asked if there were crisis hotlines to help with that. Mateo offered to give Christy his number after the meeting.
“Text anytime.” he said. “I’ll be there.”
Christy listened to it all, but wasn’t ready to make eye contact for a long time.
Chapter Four
Alex slipped out of bed silently so as to not wake Gael. Grabbing her shirt and a pair of Marisol’s pajama bottoms, she slowly opened, then reclosed the bedroom door. Pausing to listen at Bella’s door, Alex headed downstairs to the kitchen, where she made a pot of coffee.
Her Saturday shift at The Twelfth started at 10:30. A little quiet time in the backyard would give her a chance to think. She sat on the bottom stair, feet in the damp grass. Clippings from the recent mowing clung to her soles and ankles. The sun had yet to decide whether it wanted to clear the horizon, but a growing pink and orange light suggested it soon would.
She blew on the steam rising from her mug, watched it dance away and back, sipped tentatively.
What to do about Gael’s offer? She couldn’t argue that inflation was making her business plans feel less likely every month. With no equity, she had nothing to borrow against. And the reality was that sooner or later, something unexpected – car problems, health issues, rent hike – would devastate what little savings she’d managed.
The waking up together part was very appealing. There was no denying she and Gael had chemistry. Did they have what it took for the long haul? Only one way to find out, Alex thought.
Bella complicated things a little. The triangle of Gael, her daughter, and Bella’s mothers seemed pretty well-balanced. Would adding another person throw it off kilter? Alex wasn’t keen on kids in general. What was that line from the Hobbit movies? “Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things. Make you late for dinner!”
While Alex didn’t want responsibility for a child, she had to admit she loved watching Gael at it. Joy radiated from Gael’s face and voice around Bella. There was silliness and mentoring and comfort and, for lack of a better word, responsibility. Gael was most fully alive when she was with her daughter. And Alex loved seeing it.
Alex decided to have one more cup before slipping back into bed to wake Gael. She put her mug on the butcher’s block, turned to the counter, and removed the carafe from the burner plate. Lost in thought, she turned too quickly, banging the carafe on the corner of the block.
Of course, it shattered. Inevitable, really. Glass shards everywhere. Like the break on a pool table, everything scattered at once. Alex’s immediate thought was how to get everything cleaned up before Bella came downstairs. Dustpan, brush, paper towels. Gonna have to scour everywhere. Did I see one bounce into the fruit bowl?
As she picked up the largest pieces from the floor, Alex flashed back to an earlier time. Broken glass. Blood. Anger and shame. Fear in the eyes of someone she loved.
The crash had awoken Gael, who arrived in the kitchen to see Alex sitting on the floor amid the mess, head in hands.
“Alex, are you OK? What hap. . .”
