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She begins the convo with a Hey! And a waving emoji, then asks how his day is going.
Decker: Good.
Good? Surely he knows better than that, a one worded reply with no follow up is literally the kiss of death when it comes to dating app etiquette. Everyone knows that!
Everyone except Decker.
Trishell: That’s good. How are the dating apps treating you?
Decker: They’re alright. I haven’t been on them long.
“Decker. No offence but aren’t you a lawyer? You’ve supposed to be good with words. Your communication with this woman is…” Let’s see, how do I put this? “Horrible.”
He blanches. “Is it that bad?”
“Yeah, sort of. She’s clearly gotten bored. I’m shocked she hasn’t unmatched with you yet.”
“On to the next one.”
I poke on a woman named Ari. Dark hair, blue eyes, cute dimples, the woman is adorable—and totally my type, if I had a type.
They say you can tell a lot from a photograph and pictures don’t lie, and Ari’s give off a ‘I’m the kind of girl you can bring home to mom, but also light a fire under your ass.’
Ari: Hello, hello, Decker! I love that name, so unique! Just wanted to be the first one to say hi. You look like a nice guy. Must love dogs!? I agree. I have the rudest dachshund named Prince Louise—what about you?
Decker: I don’t actually have a dog, I just really like them though haha
The back and forth goes on for several more sentences before Ari gives up and ignores him, most likely on to bigger, better flirting.
Honestly, Decker has to be the world’s most cringe conversationalist and if there was anyone who needed me—it’s him.
I set down the phone and slide it to him.
Stare blankly, giving my head a shake. “No words.”
“That bad?” He’s cringing.
“On a scale of one to ‘you’re never getting laid again,’ I say it’s a nine.”
He leans back in his chair. “What am I supposed to do? It’s not like I can get better overnight.”
“You actually could if you spent more time trying. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase ‘Effort is sexy?”
“No.”
I toss my hair. “That’s because I made it up.”
He laughs. “So, what are we going to do?”
I shoot him another once over—not that I’m completely mercenary but let’s be real here: I’m not in the business of charitable causes. Someday perhaps I’ll have that luxury, but that day is not today.
“How much did you say you were willing to pay me to be your matchmaker?”
“Ten grand.”
My eyes almost bug out of my skull. “Are you for real? You’re going to pay me ten grand to be you on a dating app?” How lazy is this guy?
And, can I realistically pull the wool over a woman’s eyes pretending to be a dude?
