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I’d like you to know I did indeed make the fictional dentist appointment. It’s next Tuesday at 11AM. I figured since the dentist had starred in most of my fibs as of late, it was a sign that I needed to get my chompers cleaned. I don’t need a cavity on top of all the other crap happening.
I will go back to Abra Cadabra Matchmaking Services today at 4PM even though the thought of it is giving me gas. I won’t ghost Kurt twice. Instead, I’ll view the shitshow that my life has become as punishment for being immature and rude. Hopefully Karma will be watching and get off my ass.
What a mess I’ve made.
Wish me luck, Dear Diary. I shall need it!
As always, thank you for lending an ear… or a page to be more accurate.
xoxo Johnson Jones
The day had dawned bright and sunny. It was too bad my mood didn’t match.
“Oh my God,” Helen hissed as I recounted the part of the meeting where Persephone lost her debatably sane mind. “She’s not right in the head.”
“You’re tellin’ me, sister,” I replied. I hadn’t gotten to the part about Voila being Kurt yet. It was too painful.
Helen was the only person other than Dear Diary who knew everything about Kurt and what a coward I’d been. She’d spent the night after I’d ghosted the man and tied one on with me while we watched Runaway Bride four times. Julia Roberts got her happily ever after. I was clearly not Julia Roberts. My happily ever after was dating a man with a full head of hair.
“There’s more,” I admitted morosely as I sat at the sewing machine and sewed like my life depended on it. Until three in the morning, I’d hand-painted the fabric. The results had been breathtaking. The intricate rose pattern was the most complicated and gorgeous I’d created to date. It looked like the flowers in Kurt’s office had come to life on silk. I’d cried many tears over my masterpiece when I imagined what could have been.
“Tell me,” Helen said, pulling up a chair and sitting beside me.
I did. I told her every single horrifying detail—even about the car ride over with Dracula Smith. To be honest, Dracula had been lovely on the ride back to Jersey as I’d blubbered in the backseat. We’d stopped at the local doughnut shop and polished off a dozen blueberry-filled doughnuts apiece. He’d shared that he had already broken up with the side pieces while I’d been at the meeting. His plan was to beg Triple D’s forgiveness as soon as he got home.
It had gotten a little iffy when he’d asked for a protection spell for his pecker. He’d been a good friend in the scant time I’d known him, so I complied. He’d offered to pull it out, but I was abundantly clear that it wasn’t necessary. We didn’t need to end up in the pokey for indecent exposure in the doughnut shop.
I’d made an appointment to have Dracula drive me back to the Upper East Side for the next meeting. He was all in and let me know that I had earned three hundred free rides from him. It was excessive, but I graciously accepted and gave him an extra caftan for his gal.
Helen giggled as I told her all about Cha-Cha and Jeeves. Her expression grew murderous as I delved deeper into everything Persephone had said. And she grew pensive then sad when I’d recounted the exchange with Kurt.
When I finally finished, we were both silent for a bit.
“It sounds like a movie,” she whispered, patting me on the back. “You know, midway through a romantic comedy.”
“If only,” I said, resting my forehead on the sewing machine table. “I’d have to say it’s more like a romantic tragedy.”
She shook her head in confusion. “I’m having a tough time wrapping my head around the thought that Kurt is a two-timing dog. It doesn’t sit right.”
I sighed and held up the rose-covered caftan. “I agree, but I saw what I saw. The eyes don’t lie.”
“But sometimes some of the clues are missing or hidden,” she pointed out then squealed with delight over my newest creation.
I slipped it on and modeled what I secretly called The Kurt. The caftan was raw silk and felt heavenly on my skin… almost as heavenly as Kurt had felt in my arms.
“That is beyond!” Helen announced, using one of my favorite phrases. “You’re going to wear that to the meeting this afternoon.”
I scrunched my nose. “Really? It might look like I’m trying too hard.”
She shook her head and crossed her pale arms over her chest. “It will protect you. If you feel insecure, just look down at what you created with your own two hands, your brilliantly creative mind and loving heart!”
“Helen, you’re the best thing in the world for my ego and sanity,” I told her with a grin.
She giggled. “Johnson Jones, being your friend and business partner has changed my life in all the best ways. I used to be the loser vampire who was allergic to blood and shunned by everyone. Now, I’m Helen the vampire who’s allergic to blood, and besties with the genius Johnson Jones! Nobody shuns my pale ass now!”
I hugged my little buddy tight. “I shall wear the rose caftan with pride,” I whispered. “Kurt was the light in my life for a short and lovely period of time. That’s my past. Who knows what the future might bring? I may as well look my best.”
“Good attitude, Johnson,” Helen said. “And remember, you’re doing this for you. You’ve already apologized. The past is the past. Leave it there, my friend. Our future is so bright, we need to wear shades.” Helen reached into the pocket of her blood-red caftan with little blue daisies all over it and produced two pairs of designer sunglasses. “One for you and one for me.”
