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A thought that only makes me feel worse, since I don’t know how that’ll ever happen, considering my circumstances.
“Here’s what you have to do,” she says, talking very carefully, taking on that tone of hers when she’s explaining something potentially dangerous. Which she does surprisingly often. For a girl that looks like she loves reading science textbooks, she does have a wild streak. “I don’t endorse, like, trapping guys. But—”
“No, I can’t,” I say, shaking my head, already a mile ahead of her. “Kathryn. I just can’t.”
“Hear me out. You’re not going to force him into anything, right? But you said the guy bought a beautiful suite, spent all this money like it was nothing, so he has to have some cash. And it’s partially his fault you’re in this mess.”
I sniff, shaking my head. “I could’ve pushed for a condom.”
“Yeah, you’re right, and he could’ve just done the right thing and worn one from the start. You didn’t, he didn’t, and here you are. Why should you suffer alone for a mistake you both made together? Dara, the guy needs to know. He needs to help out. I’m not saying force him to be a dad or whatever, but reach out. See what he can do.”
“This is crazy,” I say, chewing on my cheek. I’ve thought about finding Finn a thousand times since that night, but I never imagined I might actually do it. What Kathryn’s saying makes sense, only the thought of hunting him down to tell him that he knocked me up is terrifying.
The guy’s engaged. What if he throws me out on the street?
Well, it can’t get any lower at least.
“I know, it’s really crazy.” Kathryn takes my hand in hers. “But, sweetie, you have no money, no job, no apartment, nothing coming in. Your parents aren’t helping out anytime soon. You can’t raise a baby in my living room, although I’ll let you try if that’s what it comes to. You need help. You need this guy.”
I take a deep breath, blinking back tears. “What if he doesn’t want to see me? He’s got a fiancée.”
“He doesn’t have to get involved with you, he just has to make sure his child isn’t growing up homeless. You’re reasonable. You won’t ask for more than what’s fair. Come on. We can do this. Go get that card.”
I hesitate, but I get up, rummage through my things, and find the clutch I used that night. The card’s still in there, jammed inside an old pack of gum.
“Club Hazard,” I read, raising my eyebrows as Kathryn types it into her phone.
“Huh, it’s not that far from here, actually. Looks like one of those upscale places that cater to rich kids on ecstasy.” She squints a little. “Holy shit. Is that him?”
I snatch the phone from her and sure enough, that’s Finn in one of the promotional pictures, sitting on a couch in what looks like the VIP lounge, drinking a whiskey, smirking at the camera. “That’s him,” I confirm as memories from that night return. His chiseled abs. His mouth between my legs. “Are you sure about this?”
“Sure? Holy shit, Dara.” She grabs her phone back. “You didn’t tell me he looked likethis. I mean, you said he was hot, but, wow. We should’ve hunted him down weeks ago.”
“Relax,” I say, smiling to myself. “He’s notthatgood looking.” Which is a total lie.
“Uh, yes, he is.” She shakes her head, laughing. “At least you know your kid’s going to be attractive.”
That makes my smile disappear. I can’t forget why we’re looking him up. It isn’t so I can have another good night, a night I desperately need—it’s so I can go tell him I’m pregnant and beg for his help.
So I can humiliate myself all over again.
This isn’t for me anymore. It’s for my unborn child.
“Nothing’s ever easy,” I whisper, tears coming again. I fight them away, determined to be strong, if not for myself, then at least for my future kid.
Kathryn’s right. I can’t raise a baby here, but I have nowhere else to go, and there’s no guarantee I can change my fortunes before I start to show. Once that happens, no employer’s going to hire me, no matter how illegal that might be.
I need Finn’s help. I don’t have to blow up his spot or ruin his life—I only need to tell him what’s going on and ask for his help.
A strange, tingling excitement roils in my guts. The sick part of this is Iwantto see him again. I want to hunt him down, hear his voice, feel his lips against my neck.
That isn’t going to happen, but I’m still so tempted.
“I’ll come with you,” Kathryn says. “We’ll go to the club tonight and see if we can find him. At the very least, we’ll scope the place out, okay? If he owns the place, or at least manages it, then they’ll know him. We can do this.”
“Yeah, you’re right. We can do this.” I nod to her, feigning confidence I don’t feel.
Because with my track record, this is going to go very, very badly.
