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“I’m getting you some coffee,” I muttered, continuing my trip to my kitchen. “You can follow or stay put,” I added over my shoulder.
I heard his footsteps following me. The screen door slammed behind me after I stepped into the square room and headed for the only other mug I had, the one he’d used for years after we got hooked on coffee as teenagers. His steps on the front deck vibrated through the shack when he crossed the new boards I’d added during my remodel.
“The place looks amazing, Bo,” he stated, opening the screen door and entering. He stood silent as his eyes surveyed the open room. He whistled softly. “Holy fu . . .” he began, stopping mid word. “I barely recognize the place. You’ve been working hard on this joint, dude.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled before handing him his coffee. A splash of milk and six sugars was how he took his caffeine. I pointed to my plywood dining table. “Have a seat, J.” I said.
“When’s the queen dropping by,” he teased, still studying my improvements. “I mean, shit, Bo. You’ve done good.”
I sat down and waited until his gaze came back to me. “What do you want, Jamie?”
His eyes narrowed as a result of my directness. “Why are you being so ugly to me?”
“Why do you think?” I answered. “You waltz in here like no time has passed, Jamie, and I’m not sure I like it.”
“Then get over it, Bo,” he snapped. “One of us has to make a move and it sure as hell doesn’t look like it’ll be you.”
I stood and walked to the screen door, hesitating to step through it and leave his ass alone in the shack, but I stared across the river instead, remembering all our good times and the years of love I had for him. He’d ruined everything and I couldn’t seem to move past the agony.
I kept my eyes on the river, my back to him. “Being your friend is going to be hard, Jamie. Maybe when you’re done with your schooling I’ll be better prepared,” I said. “Check back in a coupla years.”
“I ain’t wanting to just be friends, Bo, and neither do you,” he said. I heard the chair slide across the floor followed by his steps as he made his way to me. I froze when I felt his presence behind me. “That’s not what you want and you know it,” he whispered, laying a hand on my shoulder.
Sparks of fire shot through me. Two years of heartache and being angry hadn’t dulled my reaction to his touch.
“Think I don’t see how you want me? You couldn’t take your eyes off me last night.” He tugged on my shoulder, urging me to turn around, but I wouldn’t budge.
“You got that wrong, Jamie.” Neither of us moved until I reached for his hand and pushed it off my shoulder before twisting around to face him. “Maybe last year I would’ve tried again, but not now.”
“Bullshit,” he stated. “I saw it in your eyes last night. You want me.”
I stepped aside and opened the screen door, motioning for him to exit. “What you saw last night was me finally realizing I survived the hurt. I’m sorry but I’m not ready to be friends yet, Jamie.” I motioned for him to leave a second time. “I do know this though. I’ll never give you my heart again.”
He wouldn’t exit the door even when I held it wider and gestured for a third time. “I made a mistake, Bo. That’s all it was. I can’t stop thinking about you, so put your pride aside and admit you still love me.”
I placed my hand on his shoulder this time, gently moving him out the door. “I have no problem admitting I still love you, Jamie. What bothers me is that you took two years to figure out if you still loved me.” I walked across the deck and stood staring at the slow moving water. He joined me before he headed down the steps and stood with his back to me, both of us frozen at another crossroad. “What I’ve just figured out is that I’m notin lovewith you,” I added.
He spun around, his face grimacing. “You don’t mean that. Come on, Bo, we can try again and you’ll see that you feel the same way.”
“Until when?” I asked. “September? What happens then, J?” He didn’t have that answer perfectly teed up like all the others. I joined him at the bottom of the steps, not wanting to be an asshole to someone I cared about. I reached for his hand and we both stood quietly. I couldn’t speak for him but I reflected on what this place had meant to us in the past. Memaw, Jamie, and the fishing shack had been my world. One died and the other abandoned me. I hated that those were the last memories I’d have to recall.
Jamie squeezed my hand tighter but kept his gaze on the river. “Then what is it that you want, Bo?”
I used to want him, but the reality of what happened had destroyed that person from two years ago. I wasn’t sure I wanted any man, or worse, if I could trust love. But if I could, I knew the requirements. “I want a man that wants to be together no matter what. One that won’t leave me behind when I’m walking beside him. I’m not asking for much.”
Jamie let go of my hand and wiped his eyes, still avoiding my gaze. “You knew I couldn’t take you, Bo. How would we have lived on our own?”
I turned and walked back up the steps. I’d heard the excuse before. It didn’t hurt any less two years later.
“It would’ve been impossible,” he added.
“Everything is possible when you love someone,” I responded. “At least I thought it was with you.”
Jamie started toward me again until I held up a hand to stop him. His chin trembled and I knew he was about to cry. I’d only seen him this emotional a handful of times. Once when his beloved coon hound, Buster, had to be put down, and then when he failed to make varsity on the basketball team. He was struggling to hide the third time from me.
“So that’s it? Just like that we’re done and you’re saying you don’t love me anymore?” he asked. He kicked the ground with the toe of his sneakers and quickly turned away when a sob escaped his quivering jaw. “I don’t want to be alone, Bo. I get home every summer and when I see you and it kills me we ain’t working things out.”
“I can’t move past it, J. I’m sorry, but I just can’t do it,” I confessed.
