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He stopped in his tracks. “I knew it,” he stated, motioning angrily toward me. “You’re not going to shut up about this, are you?”
My eyes popped open at his words. “Shut up? You want me to shut up about someone who makes me uncomfortable when he’s around my man?” I asked. “You didn’t sign up for that person when you got with me, Phillip. That’s for damn sure.”
“Well maybe I didn’t know who past Hayes would become. You ever think of that?”
I crossed my arms defensively, nodding my head repeatedly. “I’m beginning to,” I stated. “Keep talking, Phillip, our future is becoming clearer by the minute.”
“Jesus, Hayes. Would it kill ya to spice shit up a bit?”
And by me admitting things wereclearer by the minute, his offensive question dialed my internal microscope up even quicker. “And what type of spice are we speaking about, Phillip?”
He yanked me away from the railing and into a corner outside of the salon, away from prying eyes or ears. Phillip nervously looked around before returning his gaze to me. “What if we were to add like, you know . . . like, maybe a third or something?”
“Orsomething?” I parroted. “Or do you meansomeone?” He didn’t answer me because he knew he didn’t have to. “Let me guess,” I hissed.
He matched my arms by crossing his. “He wouldn’t be a full partner or anything like that,” he defended. “You’d still be my main guy. You know, like the primary.” Was he fucking insane? I didn’t sign up for a sister-wives situation.
My skin crawled after hearing his pathetic negotiation. This was not how I’d seen our decade long relationship going, and I instantly knew we were over. No one is ever truly prepared for the finality or the acknowledgement of a relationship’s end, and I was no different. Even though leaving and starting over had been on my mind recently, facing the actuality was a stab to my heart. Adrenaline coursed through my veins as I absorbed my new reality. I leaned against the exterior of the boat to steady myself.Were we over?I felt my anxiety building, knocking on my frantic mind’s door as a reminder of the power of my panic constricting me.
He really had thought about an affair, a lifestyle change. The truth was he wanted what Charles had. John wasn’t just a friend like Phillip declared he was. John represented a successful lifestyle. Another wealthy man needing something extra while running from their boring ball and chains at home. This wouldn’t be a time where I fought for my future because he’d just stated that we weren’t enough on our own. I couldn’t be that person in a relationship who wasn’t enough. Phillip had been myenoughfor a decade of my life and I was only twenty-six for fuck’s sake.
I panicked due to not being in a safe environment when my world crashed down around me. “I’m getting off at Hilton Head Island in the morning. You need to find a different room to sleep in tonight, Phillip. I am done,” I stated.
He stepped in front of me and grabbed my wrist. “No one’s done with anything, Hayes,” he hissed through clenched teeth. “What you are going to do is grow the fuck up and stick with the plan.”
I glanced at my wrist. “Let go of me, Phillip. Yourplan, as you call it, no longer fits with mine and I’m not wasting another day of my life waiting to actually be able to share my truth with everyone.”
Phillip studied me carefully. He knew when I reached my furthest point and never pushed further, so I assumed he was considering his next move. “Fine then, we can just forget about adding a third to our lifestyle,” he said, readjusting his plan because I’d threatened to leave. “I can skip that if you’re going to be so unreasonable over the suggestion. Besides, Michael was a one night thing anyway,” he said, slipping with his words and gripping my wrist tighter when I immediately tried to pull away. Phillip quickly back pedaled like he’d stepped on a dog’s turd. “That’s not what I meant. I meant tonight, like if you’d agreed to it. I didn’t mean before, like I’ve never had sex with him.”
My eyes narrowed and I fought the urge to burst into tears. He cheated. He actually cheated on me and was doing his best to sell me on his idea ofspicingthings up by having us go on this weekender with the guys and his target, Michael, the man he’d already fucked.
“Fuck!”I said, stomping my foot. “I should have recognized the signs.” I smacked my head with the ball of my open hand. “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” I peeled his hand from my wrist. “Wow!You got me on this one, Phillip. You clever and pathetic little man.”
I placed my hand on his chest and shoved him out of my way.
“Chill out,” he whispered, trying to control my hands. “No one needs to witness this, Hayes.”
I sidestepped him and took three steps before turning around. “Do not come back to the room tonight or you and every other person on this boatwillhear a scene. Do you understand me?”
* * *
The boat had begun to rock from larger swells coming in from the Atlantic. I peered out of the small port-side window and noticed a dark sky. What I thought was the fading light from the sun setting was actually black clouds approaching overhead. The scary and gloomy skies mirrored my feelings. The walls of the stateroom felt like they were closing in on me, encircling my pain and reminding me I was alone. All alone on this boat, in my life, and in my future. My relationship was over, extinguishing my hope for marriage and my happily ever after. The reality of my situation sent a rush of anxiety through my body and I felt the panic building. I recognized the foe and did my best to stave off my adversary’s approach, but I was losing the battle.
The sensation of fight or flight is a frightening experience, and I knew to take deep breaths and seek calmer thoughts. I knew to focus on five things I could control and allow the anxiety and fear to subside until I could get a better grip on my situation. My heart raced and I felt trapped, grabbing clothes and toiletries as I paced from the bed to the head and then back again.
“Get away from here,”my mind screamed.“You’re stuck on this boat and Phillip doesn’t care.”
My pulse quickened and my mind sent irrational warning signals to my brain. I pressed my face to the window, turning side to side to see what was outside. I saw the coastline in the distance.That’s not far.Racing to the closet, I grabbed one of our duffel bags and crammed what clothes I could find into it.Run, Hayes, run.
I ran as fast as I could to the stern of the boat, knowing everyone else was still on the front deck partying. The music and laughter was loud while they ignored the doom all around them. All was perfect in their world while I was the only one whose life was a disaster.You can’t stay on this boat. You’re all alone, Hayes. All alone. Go!
Attached to a long rope was the dinghy floating twenty yards behind the yacht, bouncing along with the waves. A small outboard motor attached to it bobbed up and down with the rubber watercraft. I’d driven these types of boats many times when on my father’s yacht. Every larger vessel had a matching dinghy to reach shore when anchored away from it.How hard could it be?Go! You need to go. Now! He’s fucking him. You know he is.My world was spinning and crashing down around me in my panic but I couldn’t resist the overwhelming desire to flee. Wind and mist met my face head on. Was it rain or was the mist from the surging swells.Time is running out, Hayes. You need to go. Now!
I tugged on the rope and pulled the small craft toward the boat, fighting the waves and the voice screaming in my head.Harder! Faster! Get it!I lifted my face skyward. The sky was black and the very first droplet of rain hit my anguished face.The storm is coming, Hayes. Faster!
Throwing my bag into the small boat and securing a life vest, I pushed away from the teak deck. Relief surged through me momentarily until the swells lifted me higher and further from safety.The other boat is not safe. Start the motor. Go!
Further and further away I drifted. The tiny rubber boat disappeared beneath the rolling waves, only to be lifted and reappear in time for me to catch a glimpse of the yacht getting smaller as I floated away. Start the motor, Hayes. Hurry!
