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“Hmmm,” I mused. “Let me ask you this. Did you ever wonder what being with someone like yourself would feel like? I know I have.”
Bo played with my hair and remained quiet for a moment before answering me. “Truthfully, I think I believed my behavior annoyed Jamie, therefore, I tried not to be an affectionate person,” he confessed. “I began to believe he left me because of that. Like, maybe I was too clingy?”
“I get that,” I said, rolling off of him and tucking under his arm. “The sad thing though is I stopped trying about three years ago. I figured that I was acting childish trying to have my needs met, and then came to the conclusion that being in an adult relationship meant I couldn’t be affectionate anymore.”
“Did you feel alone sometimes, even when you were with him?” Bo asked.
I thought about his question. I had so many times. I buried my head into his side and began to cry.
He quickly pulled me tighter and squeezed my arm. “Hayes, baby, shhhh.”
“I stayed too long, Bo,” I confessed. “I was afraid no one else would love me. I even stayed knowing I was living a lie, telling people we weren’t a couple. How fucking pathetic is that?”
Bo rolled to his left side and faced me, holding my hand to his lips and kissing it. “I hid out here on a secluded island all by myself, baby. So my actions weren’t much better. But then again, I got left behind by the one I loved. I was full of self-pity and avoided seeing people.”
I tilted my head up and kissed his neck. “I want to try harder this time,” I stated. “I want to be more present and alive with my partner, something Phillip and I had forgotten as we focused on our careers. Such a waste actually,” I added, feeling disappointed in myself. “Where should we start?” I asked, tapping the tip of his nose with a finger.
“I don’t want to sound like a nag because nobody likes one, but how about we start with calling your folks?” he advised. “I think the next moves we make will hinge on how that call goes.”
I exhaled slowly, knowing he was right. The thought of me in that world again after the last month of self-discovery had me panicking. “You’re right,” I admitted. “I’m just afraid of the new reality that call will create for us. My life back home is different and I’m afraid I’ll slip back into bad habits.”
“Like?” he asked, sitting up and pulling me with him.
“Like non-stop work, questioning my worth, feeling guilty that I’m disappointing my family. The usual guilt trips I place on myself,” I professed.
“I’m sorry that was your life, but maybe if I were there with you, I could help you navigate things and feel more comfortable about your choices,” he said. “Plus, sometimes you have to rip the Band-Aid off, baby.”
I frowned at his analogy, mentally agreeing, but could only manage to stare at him. He was so handsome that my heart actually ached. I reached for him and moved a ringlet of hair from the corner of his eye, hovering my finger over his high cheek bone. “So handsome and wise,” I said. “Can I please have a couple more days?”
“Yeah, of course, baby, but can I ask you what your biggest fear is if you called?”
I looked down at my hands, noticing I was naked and not surprised with how comfortable I felt. “I’m afraid you won’t like what you see, Bo. In all honesty, my life there is a bit extra.”
“Are you sure it’s not because you think I’m too simple?”
I immediately lifted my face to him, reaching for his hands and pulling them to me. “Never!” I declared. “Oh, hell no, Bo. For starters I do not see you as simple,” I stated. “I could never see you in that way. You are kind, wise, smart, motivated, loving and I could sit here all day long reciting a thousand things about you that I adore, butsimple? Never.”
“Then what is it, baby? Open up to me and let me help you with your fear,” he said.
I turned away to gather my thoughts. I needed to be truthful and hope he’d seen the man I’d been the past month. “I am all the things that you’ve teased me about, Bo. I’m not going to lie to you. Iamcountry club. Iamprivileged. Iama trust fund kid who’s daddy gave him a high-priced corner office so he can keep an eye on me,” I confessed. “I am everything you despise about class division. Not to mention I have an expensive flat in therightpart of town. I drive a hundred-thousand dollar BMW, Bo, and then because I’m an asshole, I get a new one every year. I’m a horrible, uppity, snobbish, piece of shit!”
He hadn’t taken his eyes off me when I went off through my self-analysis of the bad person he was trying to love.
“I have a maid, Bo! A fucking maid!”
“Are you done?” he calmly asked. “Is that the complete list?”
“I probably missed some more hideous things, but, yeah, that’s most of me.”
“Do you miss that life?” he asked. “Are those things important to you now?”
I wanted to lie so badly. I didn’t want to disappoint the man I’d recently met. The one I so wanted to love me, but I wouldn’t do that. “I don’t know,” I admitted.
“Well, that’s pretty honest of ya, baby. You do know though that there is only one way to know for sure,” he pointed out.
I bit the inside of my mouth, my brow furrowing as I gazed at him. “But what if you end up not liking me?”
“But what if I do?”
