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And yet, she believed the truth in them, too. What she’d seen as friendship or obligation on his part had been love in its most unconditional form. No expectations, no demands, nothing but pure acceptance and love. The knowledge moved through her like a rush of river on parched land, soaking her, changing her.
He’d loved her and so he’d stood by her. He’d dragged her out of grief and pain. He’d dragged her back to life. And she’d fallen in love with him—not because he’d looked after her.
But because losing Jai had changed her. Because it had taught her that she couldn’t spend it standing on the sidelines of life, forever afraid of her own shadow. By the time she’d realized the truth of that, Christian had been gone.
“Isn’t it?” he said, not mocking her. Not teasing anymore. In a soft whisper that was ravaged by guilt and grief and by the weight of carrying it silently for years.
“No, it’s never a bad thing,” she said, her voice rising with conviction. “Jai taught us that, both of us. He loved us so easily, so openly, without reserve, without judgment. And that love, it changed us both. And your feelings for me—” she swallowed the gathering tears “—have only ever made me feel cherished. Have only made the world a wonderful place for me. How can I even begin to think it was a bad thing?”
“I loved you and I hated myself. Sometimes, I’d sit there, right across from him, and strategize how I would steal you away from him. I spent hours in meetings while we laughed and joked and worked together, and I’d wonder what you saw in him. What he had that I didn’t.” Something like an anguished growl fell from his mouth. “Of course, he was the better man. The best. And the damned thing is I’m certain he knew how I felt about you.” His groan was guttural, wrenched from the depths of his soul. “God, he knew.”
“He never mentioned it to me,” Priya offered softly, shock buffeting her this way and that. “If he knew, that is.”
“Oh, he knew. But Jai being Jai, he let it be. He trusted me, you see. And of course he didn’t say anything to you. He wouldn’t want how you saw me changed.”
A strong breeze ruffled in, making Priya shiver. She wished it would carry away all the bitterness in his voice. Would cleanse away the confusion and grief and guilt and leave them both with blank slates. But that wasn’t how any of this worked.
“And then—” his grief was a stringent note in his tone now “—he was gone. From one blink to the next. Just gone.”
Priya blinked back tears. She’d made her peace with her own grief, but this was Christian’s grief... And eight years ago, she’d never helped him process this. Never asked him what he needed. Never realized how much it had ripped him apart. And because she’d had the emotional range of a teaspoon back then, their relationship, in his mind, was always going to be tangled around this guilt and this grief that was still so raw.
This was what those eight years had cost him. Was costing them even now. If they didn’t move on from this, if Christian couldn’t move on, he would never allow himself to love her completely.
“That weekend at the cabin—” his blue eyes pinned her “—it was heaven. It was what I’d desperately craved for years. And it was also hell. Because it felt like he’d gone and I’d simply slipped into his place, taken everything that was his. As if all the horrible thoughts I’d had had become real.”
“Christian...” Priya ventured, not really sure what she could say. Horrified by how hardened his guilt was.
“I told myself I was just an escape for you. That it was a one-off thing. That you were scratching an itch. That you were simply using me to escape your grief. I didn’t mind being used by you.” He laughed but there was nothing of his usual humor in his tone. “But then that made it all so much worse because I wanted you to want me. Just for me. I wanted to be the man you reached for because you couldn’t stay away. Because you needed me as desperately as I did you. It made me angry, rash. I was like a wounded animal, angry with myself, angry with the world. I should never have piloted the jet that day. I wasn’t there a hundred percent. Not in my head. And my actions hurt not just me, but you and Jayden.”
The realization shook her. She’d simply put his actions that day down to his usual recklessness.
He looked at her then. And she couldn’t let him be so far away from her. Not anymore.
She reached him on trembling knees. When she clasped his cheek, he didn’t push her away, but he didn’t turn to her, either. “Christian, you’ve got to let that guilt go. Otherwise it will destroy you. You never, ever made one inappropriate move toward me. That weekend happened because we were in a relationship, Christian, whether we admitted it to ourselves or not. We were married, and we had already begun to see each other for who we were, not just as Jai’s best friend and Jai’s fiancée.
“But as two people who were struggling to move on.
“Losing Jai changed us both.
“And I was confused about feeling so much for you so soon, yes, I admit it.” She tugged and his eyes finally met hers. “But how can anything that gave us that sweet little boy be wrong? You’ve got to let it go because Jayden needs you.Ineed you.”
And then she kissed him. She poured everything into that kiss, did her best to take all the guilt and grief from him. “I was so foolish for not seeing it then, Christian. But never again.”
“Don’t, Priya.” He never called herPriyain that tone.
“No. Look at me, Christian. Even if he knew, he loved you. To his last breath.” Something in her tone kept his gaze on her. “I loved Jai with all the naiveté of a sheltered girl. Of a girl who hadn’t experienced life at all. Of a girl who’d always been so afraid of everything. But after he died, I became someone else. Someone completely new.”
Cradling his cheeks, Priya continued. “Forget what was right or wrong eight years ago. Forget everything we were even two months ago. Now...” She took his hand and kissed it, tears falling down her cheeks. “...today...” She pressed his palm to her heart. “...the woman I am—”
Christian pressed his hand to her mouth, cutting off her words. “Pree... Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”
Priya reeled back, searching his eyes. “What do you mean?” She bunched her fists in his shirt, fear beating a drum in her head.
“Listen to me, Pree. I have to do this, okay?”
“Do what, Christian?”
“I’m not returning with you. Not going home.”
