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“Alice is talented.” I continued, not allowing Felicia to ask anything further. “It’s time for your bath, Maggie.”
I waited for Maggie to invite her mother, but she didn’t. I wondered if she was sensitive to Felicia’s reluctance to do things, or if she was just used to it being me.
Felicia stood up, brushing off the lint from her pants. “I should get going.”
I’d told her she couldn’t stay the night, but I was surprised she hadn’t insisted. “You have a hotel room?”
My mood lifted at the thought of her being gone. At the same time, I felt guilty for feeling that way. It was important that Maggie have her mother in her life. No matter how limited it was.
On the way down the steps, Felicia said, “When is she moving out? I prefer to stay here when I visit.”
I sighed, waiting until we stood in the foyer where I knew Maggie wouldn’t accidentally overhear our conversation. “Alice isn’t leaving.”
“So, what, she’s just living with you permanently?”
“She’s the live-in nanny, so yes. When I hired her, I emphasized that we needed someone long-term. Not someone who’d pick up and leave after a few months. It’s not healthy for Maggie to get attached to someone and have them leave again so soon.” I hadn’t meant it as a dig at Felicia, but it applied to her as well. It was even worse with her because she came inandout of her life.
“Does Maggie know you’re fucking her?”
I bristled. “Keep your voice down.”
“So it’s true.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. It wasn’t any of her business, but she was Maggie’s mother. I didn’t want to lie, but at the same time, Alice and I hadn’t discussed telling everyone about it. “Alice is Maggie’s nanny. We like her. She’s become a part of our family.”
There. That was the truth without giving away anything personal.
“You replaced me with some girl.”
I chuckled humorlessly. “There was nothing to replace. We don’t have a relationship. Hell, you and Maggie barely have a relationship.”
“And whose fault is that?”
I held up my hands. “I’m not going to argue with you. I’m going to take care of my daughter like I always have. I have her best interests at heart. But I do think we need to talk about how things are going to go in the future. I don’t like you criticizing how we’ve been living our lives. You aren’t here, and you don’t get a say.”
Felicia sneered. “I wonder what a judge would say about that.”
“A judge will say you haven’t supported us emotionally or financially since Maggie was born. That’s the reality.”
Her expression faltered. “A child belongs with her mother.”
“Are you prepared to take care of a child with your hours?” I knew she worked twenty-four-hour shifts. She wasn’t used to making concessions for a child or their needs. She hadn’t had to alter her life to take care of a child.
“You know I can’t.”
We’d been over this so many times, and I’d resigned myself to accepting that nothing would change. “I’m going to give my daughter a bath.”
“Ourdaughter,” she emphasized as she turned the knob to leave.
I didn’t respond to her correction. I turned my back and headed back upstairs to Maggie. She was waiting for me. She needed me.
It wasn’t until I was running the water in the bath that I realized Felicia hadn’t even said good-bye to Maggie. My heart ached for her. I never wanted anyone to hurt her. And Maggie might not realize it now, but her mother would disappoint her again and again. I needed to set up boundaries. Talk to a counselor and get the best course of action.
Felicia could only be in her life in a meaningful way, and it would have to be outside of my house. She could go with us to a park or to dinner at a restaurant, but staying here gave her too much leeway to feel like she had a say in our lives.
If she ever decided to seriously want to co-parent, I’d deal with it when the time came. I doubted that would happen. As much as I worried about it over the years, I thought Felicia would balk at the realities of parenthood.
I needed to focus on what mattered, showering Maggie with love.
