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“Basically, it’s a condition that causes visibly blue sweat. And, in Mrs. Kelly’s case, it’s being caused by all the hormonal changes her body is currently going through because of her pregnancy.”
“I’m going to be blue my whole flipping pregnancy!” I shouted so loud it startled the doctor, and Thatch stepped forward to place a hand on my shoulder.
“Honey, I appreciate that you’re freaked out,” he said, whispering into my ear. “But you’re going to have to take a breath and try to relax. You’re scaring the doctor.”
I wanted to say it was the doctor’s job to be able to deal with a crazy pregnant woman, but for once in my life, I decided that keeping that information to myself was probably best. I mean, I really wanted not to have blue skin and for my vagina to stop being super-sized.
“So, how are you going to fix me?” I asked in my nicest, calmest voice.
“First thing we need to do is to carefully remove the…uh…jewels,” he said and cleared his throat. “Once we get the area cleaned, we can give you some medicine to help bring down the swelling.”
I tilted my head to the side. “Which will last how long?”
“The swelling should go down in about twenty-four to forty-eight hours.”
“That’s fantastic news!” Thatch cheered and stepped forward to slap a hand to the doctor’s back. “Fan-fluffing-tastic news!”
Dr. Carlson jumped a little, but also, he laughed. “Yes, sir. Great news.”
“And what about my blue skin?” I asked.
“Well, I can’t say for sure, Mrs. Kelly, but I honestly think it should start to resolve pretty quickly. You’re nearing the period where your body will have adjusted to the most dramatic hormonal shifts of your pregnancy. So I would say a week, two weeks, and then you’ll most likely see that disappear. Though, I do want you to visit your OB-GYN when you get back to New York.”
I nodded. “Already planned on it.”
“So…that’s it?” Thatch asked. “Just a little vajazzle removal and some medicine, and we’ll be on our way?”
“Pretty much,” Dr. Carlson answered. “I’ll have one of the nurses come in and carefully remove the jewels, and we should have you out of here shortly.”
“Great news,” my husband commented and looked at me. “Right, honey?”
“That depends.”
“On what?”
I looked to Dr. Carlson. “How bad is it going to hurt to remove my vajazzle?”
“It shouldn’t be too bad,” he commented and grabbed the chart to head back out the door. “Nurse Carrie will be in shortly to get you all squared away.”
“See?” Thatch announced once Dr. Carlson left my room. “Everything is going to be fine.”
I nodded and I had almost convinced myself that he was right, but then Nurse Carrie came into the room, and everything took a turn down Hellfire and Brimstone Lane.
She was nice and sweet and super friendly.
But her fluffing task of removing the jewels from my swollen, tender beaver?
Talk about a pain in the damn twat.
“Oh my God!” I shouted at the top of my lungs when it felt like she ripped my damn skin off with the first jewel.
“Just take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth, Mrs. Kelly,” Nurse Carrie tried to reassure me.
Thatch even came over to hold my hand.
But none of it was any help.
The skin was so tender and the nerves felt like live wires, and every time she plucked off one of the jewels from my skin, tears just poured out of my eyes, and the pain was so intense I felt like I was going to puke Exorcist-style across the room.
