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“Just breathe. Deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.”
Eventually, I listened and took a few big inhales of air into my tight lungs and let them out on lengthy exhales.
“Okay. That’s good. Great, even. How are you feeling?”
“Still scared.”
She laughed at that.
“It’s not funny, Georgia. I’m walking on eggshells over here just to avoid getting the shank. I’d rather be in Rikers Island. At least criminals have a certain code of honor.”
“I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at you. Just the…situation.”
“Which is zero fluffing help,” I remarked. “Any second now, when she’s done taking her anger out on the pickles, she’ll come looking for me.”
Georgia snorted, and I sighed, dropping my head back.
“Georgia girl, you’re doing a real shit job of helping.”
“I’m sorry! It’s just that this is pretty fucking hilarious.”
“It’s not funny!”
“Oh, but it is,” Kline chimed in, and that was when I realized I’d been on speakerphone the whole time. The bastard.
“Are you two done?” I questioned. “Or do you need to laugh it up some more? Before you answer that, I should remind you that the clock is ticking, and every second that passes is one second closer to your being accessories to murder.”
Kline chuckled.
Georgia giggled.
And I almost hung up on them, but my asshole best friend eventually chose to impact some of his wise words of wisdom.
“It sounds to me like this could be one of two things, or maybe a combination of both.”
“Okay…?”
“Either Cassie is just experiencing a very strong increase in pregnancy hormones, or something is bothering her and she doesn’t know how to tell you. So, instead, she’s lashing out over random shit like cheese.”
“But what in the fuck could be bothering her? We just got married. We’re going to have a baby. The Supercock is keeping up with all her sexual demands. I mean, life is pretty fluffing good right now.”
“Yeah, but you two have had a lot of big changes,” Georgia offered. “And sometimes, it just takes a little bit to adjust to them, you know?”
Shit.I hadn’t even thought of that.
“Thatcher!” Cass’s voice filled my ears, and I jumped like I’d just been caught robbing a fucking bank. “Where the fluff are you?”
“You still there?” Georgia asked, and I quickly ended the call without another word. I’d rather get dragged through the desert at high noon by a hang-up-fueled-vengeance-seeking Kline than risk Cassie hearing my voice.
Phone call ended, I made a show of washing my hands for no fucking reason other than making it believable that I wasn’t in the bathroom without just cause via voiding fluids.
“Thatcher!”
“I’m in the bathroom, honey!” I called out. “Be out in a sec!”
You got this, dude. Just go out there and be normal. It’s going to be okay. Your wife isn’t going to kill you.
After a few deep breaths and fake punches toward the mirror, I mentally prepared myself to leave the safe confines of our bathroom.
